Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   "Every month my wife turns into SUCH a monster." "Haha! You mean when she gets her period?" "Huh? No. She's a werewolf."

   My wife makes me wear Crocs to mark her territory.

   Have you ever been driving and you look at your phone and the battery is at 5% and for some reason you think your almost out of fuel?..... Me neither 🙄

   My bucket list..... 1. Bucket 2. Ice 3. 6pk beer.

   Sometimes I think I'm the reason God found a need for Guardian Angels. You're welcome.

   Maybe you misunderstood me. I love you in a "tennis score" sort of way.

   Seriously its 2018, no one laughs at a joke, you just say LOL or like it and move on, we got no time to laugh !

   Once my boss told me to dress for the job that I wanted, not for the job that I had. And I felt real stupid in the next sales meeting dressed like Batman.

   had a mix up at the store today when the cashier asked me to strip down facing her she apparently was talking about my debit card..

   I just saw what came out of me, so I highly doubt I am beautiful on the inside.

   They say when you're looking for something you lost. It's always found in the last place you look. Of course it is. Who would keep on looking for it?

   The only way to know a relationship is going well, when she feels comfortable taking a dump at your place

   Stop all your crying about losing an hour of sleep from Daylight Savings Time. Business travelers experience it every single week...

   I just busted three plastic spoons trying to eat an avocado that has a sticker that says "ripe and ready to eat."

   A chef these days is someone who constantly yells and swears at you in the kitchen.

   My favorite thing is a woman who sticks our her b00bs in every timeline pic, then goes nuts when a guy messages her.

   Men are so weak this days. Girls gotta date like 3 guys to make a full man.

   To people who have Christmas lights flashing blue in their yard........ can you remove them? Every time I pass, I think it's the cops and I have to remove my foot from the accelerator, slam on my brakes, put my seat belt on, throw my phone on the floor, h

   car salesman: and I'm 95% sure no one has died in the trunk hahaha me: ok phew haha *muffled screaming* car salesman: 100%

   ATTRACTIVE WOMAN: What time is it? ME: Haha. Yeah definitely