Funny Status Messages and Tweets
Funny Status Messages for Facebook, Discord, and Whatsapp and funny tweets for Twitter.
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You can just root for them. You don't have to try and explain how you're a legit Cubs fan because your great uncle went to Wrigley once. 
My household now communicates exclusively through slammed doors and the clattering of cutlery thrown angrily into drawers.
Ladies, if you want a man you loves you for your brains and not your body, then date a zombie.
Which part of this $5.99 Walmart t-shirt makes you wonder if I would like to see the wine list?
Does grape jelly go bad or do I just have wine jelly now?
All the founding members of the band "Survivor" are still alive. It's a pride thing.
Honestly, I don't get the whole "sandwich after sex" thing. I either want to go to sleep or watch "Archer" reruns.
FACT: You could also be burned at the stake during the Salem Witch Trials for telling that dumb "what do you call a witch at the beach" joke.
Brace yourselves it's Harley Quinn weekend!
Mclovin' it.
Obama: I like Coke. Fox News: Obama has declared war on Pepsi.
I just wanted to let everyone to know - yesterday I received my Obama stimulus package for 2010. It contained two watermelon seeds, cornbread mix, and 10 coupons to KFC. The directions were in Spanish. Hope you get yours soon!
Who else thinks the U.S. Marine jailed in Mexico would be getting a lot more attention from the U.S. government if he looked like Obama's son...if he had a son?
Today is Independence Day. The day when Americans show their deepest gratitude to Will Smith and remember all the men, woman and children killed in that horrific alien invasion.
Police in Texas seized thousands of ecstasy tablets with pictures of Obama's face on them. Drug dealers chose Obama because the pills make you feel hope and change and then send you off to a faraway place.
When I was a child, I remember lying with my eyes closed waiting for Santa to come. ....Then there was the awkward silence as he got dressed and left.
Almost time for the "Teleprompters State of the union speech".
Hey Muslims, if you want 72 virgins just go to your local cinema today for a Twilight showing and you'll have plenty to choose from.
If Nancy Pelosi and Obama were on a boat in the middle of the ocean and it started to sink, who would be saved? America!
This leftist boycott of Chick FiL A is the first actual economic stimulus of the Obama era........ 