Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Sawing a hole in the bottom of a table to steal someone's cake is way harder than it looks on cartoons.

   Sometimes you run into people who just make your day more bearable. Those people are called bartenders.

   If I've learned anything from social media, it's that we live on a planet that's disproportionately filled with inhabitants in possession of single digit IQ's.

   I thought we had something. You met my family, you made me dinner, you called me Honey. Now suddenly you are just a "waitress" who was "doing her job".

   So what are we being offended by today? Sorry I missed the morning briefing.

   The roof of my mouth just healed from a McDonald’s apple pie I had in 1999

   I lost 3 pounds over the weekend.but not to worry I found them lastnight at pizza hut

   I love how twix come with two bars so I can eat one now and the other immediately after

   The closest I ever got to a 4.0 in college was my blood alcohol content.

   "When I'm dead, I'd like you to buy a $9,000 box and throw it down a hole." - Humans

   The toilet roll situation has got so bad I have been forced to wipe with lettuce leaves. I fear its just the tip of the iceberg

   Gas so cheap right now I don't even shake the pump after I fill up.

   *at boss’s funeral, kneeling and whispering at coffin* Who’s “thinking outside the box” now, Gary? Not you that’s for sure

   Last year for Christmas I got a sweater...this year I am hoping for a moaner or screamer.

   My backup plan is just my original plan but with more alcohol.

   I would like to think money won’t change me, but I got my stimulus check and immediately bought name brand aluminum foil.

   I think if my rich neighbor realized just how awesome of a party he is going to have at his house tonight, he wouldn't leave for vacation.

   It's annoying when you think of an awesome idea or thing to do and within the next few minutes, you completely forget what it was, but the memory of how awesome it was still lingers.

   1985: call me on the new line in my roo.m 2000: call me on my mobile flip phone 2015: don't call me

   Dad please dont mess my hair up and say 'love ya' in public, I'm in a gang now