Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Life is just a long, sick game of "Would you rather."

   Penn State located in Happy Valley and they play football in Beaver Stadium....I so did not see this SEX Scandal coming.

   No one ever wants to hear monster mash this time of year

   Don't fight stupidity with anger, fight it with sarcasm. Much more fun

   Normal Detroit people are probably pretty embarrassed being linked to "Hardcore Pawn"

   Grandpa sure does like to work on his car... he's been under there changing his oil for 3 days.

   Now that I have the Facebook timline it looks like I didn't exist before 2009, when, in fact, that's when I stopped existing!

   If you're eating nachos and not singing nacho nacho man you're probably not as drunk as me.

   I've missed a lot of exciting adventures because I had enough money to get into trouble, but not enough to hire a good lawyer.

   I wear my wedding ring on my middle finger to remind me of how f*cked I am

   Have no fear of perfection–you'll never reach it.

   Break up is like a broken mirror. It's better to leave it broken than hurting yourself trying to fix it.

   not remotely sober. Nor am I sober up close.

   Scientists have been investigating how snails know how to find their way home. WTF? It's on their backs.

   Aplogizing is like "whiteout". It covers the problem, but its still there.

   The people at Visa are going out of their way to give me credit. And for that, I'm deeply indebted

   on an important conference call. I guess I should be listening but my farms need tending dammit!

   STRESS:- The bodies natural physiological response to restraining oneself from strangling the living s#$t of someone who really deserves it. ahhhh gotta love my job!!! lol

   ‎- The term Friend is put about far too easy .... A friend to me is more about action then words !!!

   wondering what a conversation between Chewbaca & the teacher from "Peanuts" would be like? Who would interpret?