Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I'm a nervous wreck about this election, because I'm too rude to live in Canada

   Decorating question: What color paint matches well with dust?

   I must admit, my "Kiss Me, I Have The Zika Virus" T-shirt is giving me a lot of personal space inside this subway car.

   My relationships are much like pro wrestling matches - the outcomes are predetermined and there's a good chance I'll get hit with a chair.

   How come they never sing happy birthday in the delivery room

   Canadians have their own Alcoholic program..........Eh Eh

   I just decorated my bedroom to look like my desk at work so I can fall sleep faster

   I like the way your medication thinks.

   Saw a guy wearing shorts with suspenders and black socks with sandals and realized I'll never be that confident.

   Surgeon General warns taking a shot for every lie told in tonight's debate will result in acute alcohol poisoning.

   there is a room in hell where they play an endless loop of every time you told someone you loved them and they didn't say it back

   I just finished reading “50 shades of Grey” by Sherwin Williams. I don’t see what all the hype is about these paint brochures.

   Omg! I just hit a woman on my bike. Just kidding.. I don't ride in the kitchen!

   Weird how 2X and 4X power dishwasher pods are the same price, like there's a market for people who only want minimal dishwashing power.

   My boyfriend and I broke up, but at least we'll still be cousins.

   ☐ Clinton ☐ Trump ☑ Vodka

   ORANGE IS THE NEW BLACK

   Well, all the leaves are off my trees so I guess I'll have to pee inside from now on...

   The guy who created the Big Mac has passed away at the age of 98. Michael Delligatti ate at least one Big Mac every week for decades yet lived to be 98. I have one thing to say about this..."KALE, YOU BIG FAT LIAR!!!"

   New N.S.A. Watchlist: People who hurt my feelings on Twitter.