Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   flagging your girlfriend offside when she leaves the kitchen. a typical valentines day procedure.

   and on a positive note today is Taco Tuesday!!

   getting a tat of your kids faces is a great idea, as you get saggy and wrinkly it creates a free age progression for them

   Go ahead and play "hard to get"...I'll be over here playing "don't give a s$it"

   I'm not what nature intended.

   Heard the guy trying on skinny jeans & telling the assistant he's married. Not sure why he got offended when I asked "who's the lucky guy?"

   Am I the only one who can't remember anyone's birthday without facebook?

   You had me at "You f*cking weirdo" just before you shut your window curtains

   Remember when white folks went crazy and started planking? That was some weird sh*t. I would rather watch them dance than plank.

   Here we go... Very good... You're doing a great job of reading this post... Just passed the middle... Nearly there... Wonderful job... All done... And like it!

   Due to the economic crisis and ever increasing price of food, the 5 second drop rule has now been increased to 10.

   thinks that drinking beer is the second-most satisfying thing a guy can do for himself with one hand.

   A girl is always RIGHT....Just sometimes confused, misinformed, rude, stubborn, senseless, unchangeable, and even downright stupid but not WRONG.

   When I'm depressed I cut myself.....................a piece of cake.

   I have to remind myself this weekend there will be many Halloween parties. So don't go by instinct and start shooting zombies in the head.

   Hosting a little family dinner party tomorrow. Do you think 1 box of Cheerios will be enough for 6 people?

   Dear Santa, Don't bring me anything this year as I've got every thing I need. Tyrone, aged 7 from Baltimore

   It's God's job to judge the terrorists...it's our mission to arrange the meeting." -U.S. Marines

   If there isn’t a Chinese millionaire that’s changed their name to Cha Ching then I don’t see the point of money.

   I'm not sure what in the hell MW3 stands for but unless it's Margarita Wednesdays for $3 I'm not interested