Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   My boss reminds me of a caged bird. He comes out flapping and squawking, sh*ts on everything and leaves.

   Sometimes Karma takes way too long. I would rather beat the crap out of you NOW!

   I'm more confused than a homeless person on house arrest.

   You know 'yer a DRUNK when: You have to go to court to find out what happened !

   I just sneezed on my phone and it made little rainbow sparkles all over the screen. I'm pretty sure that makes me a Wizard.

   n't Breaking Dawn already a movie starring Ron Jeremy?

   The best way to watch the new Adam Sandler film 'Jack & Jill' is to rip it to DVD, let it play on your TV, and then set your house on fire.

   Divorce is expensive because its worth it.

   I've just bought a 3D Kindle. Or a book as I like to call it.

   How come changing the channel doesn't get these damn Kardashians off of the tv?

   Process of liking a song: 1 Day: I love this song! 1 Week: Hey that song's good. 1 Month: Turn that s$it off! 1 Year: OMG, I love this song!

   Dont be jealous of me... If you had to walk a mile in my shoes, you'd probably need a year of therapy

   The Men's Warehouse guy is going to die of lung cancer. I guarantee it.

   There are a few people I know whose birth certificates should be considered an apology letter to the world!

   It's interesting how people claim to love/like their jobs, but ready to go home as soon as they get in the door.

   If my calculations are correct then someone else did them for me.

   If you put your finger in someone's butt you're legally married to that person in at least 46 states.

   Just gave my son "the talk" about how to avoid police brutality..... Go to college, get a good job, live in a nice neighborhood, and learn how to use the phrase, "yes sir".

   I can't stand it when people don't know the difference between your and you're. There so stupid.

   I never use the little twist ties to close a bag of bread...I just spin the bag and tuck it under the loaf of bread.