Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Don’t send me the 1 pic you liked lemme see the hundred you didn’t like

   I sexually identify as please stop talking to me.

   My mating call is the sound of a lone chainsaw in the night.

   I just added Fabrizio Brambilla as one of my friends...According to all the messenger posts I received he is a bad dude..I felt sorry for him and felt he needed a friend

   I'm far from distancing my self from anything.

   Place an order with an energy saving catalogue co. for an economy efficient hair dryer. What I received was a bath towel.

   I like when people call me "Sir." I just wish they wouldn't follow it up with "You're making a scene."

   I just went through the $10 carwash by myself without any kids and it was the best vacation I've been on in 4 years.

   I wish I was confident enough to wear a pink, all velvet track suit with a fanny pack.

   ME: [bird watching] PIGEON: [looking out window] Babe he’s back.

   I'm so hungry that my stomach stopped growling. Now its just whimpering.

   I'm not saying Happy Holiday's to anyone this year, instead I'm saying Merry Christmas

   statistics show that 1 out of 20 of us live next door to a conivcted pedophile, not me though, I live next to two stunning 16 year olds.

   Ever wondered why there is a stairway to heaven, and a highway to hell? There's apparently more traffic going to hell!!!

   Remember to always be yourself. Unless you suck.

   a duck was about to cross the road when a chicken came running up and said... don't do it man ... you will never here the end of it

   Kate Middleton Is Now Officially A MILF

   • My life. My choices. My mistakes. My lessons. Not your business.

   To make it straight, she pulls it. 2 make it stand, she rubs it. 2 make it stiff, she licks it. 2 let it “IN” she pushes it. !!!! True! Threading a needle is not easy!!!

   A.) Go to Google Maps. B.) Search for 47.110579,9.227568 C.) Find the green arrow. Then click more, then street view. D.) Click up 2x then right 2x..............They are watching us