Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   In it's purest sense, redistribution of wealth is when I buy dogfood, feed it to my dogs, and they sh#t it out all over my yard...

   wonders why Noah didn't kill the mosquitoes while there were only two.

   was anyone really surprised by Ricky Martin's coming out? I mean, it started when he was young...he was in the band Menudo, aka MEN - you - DO...

   Remember the time when Power Rangers, Ninja Turtles. Super Nintendo, Sega Genisis, the ORIGINAL Nickelodeon, Saturday morning cartoons. and recess made you a real kid back then.

   this is not a joke.....if an application for a dislike button comes up on your facebook DO NOT OPEN IT....it is a scam.Just thought I'd warn you folks!

   watching Jersey Shore...Are my eyes supposed to bleed?

   UPDATE: In the wake of Starbucks announcing a new, bigger size yesterday, McDonalds will come out with a 400-pound McNugget.

   My news feed is starting to look like a battle broke out between the Confederates and a skittles factory.

   I seriously hate it when a couple starts having an argument in front of you. They could have least waited until I got dressed and left.

   Heard a dad say "Keep rolling your eyes and maybe, one day, you'll find a brain back there." #fatheroftheyear

   83% of GM products manufactured in the last 10 years are still on the road: the other 17% somehow made it home.

   wonders who says "open wide" the most, Dentists or Gynaecologists...

   Spelling bee on @espn. Audience full of proud mom's sitting with dad's who'd rather have an illiterate son who could throw a ball

   does anyone else think gas stations should throw in a free tube of ky jelly with every fill up?

   I'm having a royal wedding watching party...drinking beer out of tea cups.  Pinkies up....chug chug chug

   Happy Star Wars Day, May the 4th be with you! xx

   WARNING: The consumption of alcohol at my house may leave you wondering what the hell happened to your bra and panties

   I hate you cheetos . You ruined all my good jeans .

   Why is it so hard for to find men that are sensitive, caring, and good-looking? Because those men already have boyfriends.

   Do you think maybe I could save even more than 15% on my car insurance if Geico didn't waste so much f*cking money on commercials?