Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   As I walk through the valley of the shadow of death I remind myself that you can't always trust Google Maps.

   Wouldn't it be nice to have the wisdom of a 90 year old, the body of a 20 year old, and the energy of a 5 year old.

   Only resort to violence if necessary like if a coworker says "another day in paradise".

   Bank Teller: "Sir, your account is overdrawn." Me: "So are your eyebrows, but you made it work, didn't you?"

   If you don't smile and show everyone your teeth when you're eating Oreos then you're probably more mature than me.

   Mayonnaise is basically sandwich moisturizer.

   I really don’t understand why my neighbors have to be outside when I’m outside.

   Will I be able to drink with these? - First question when prescribed meds

   In my house I'm the boss. My wife is just the decision maker.

   There's too many people out here who have the balls to state their opinion. But not enough balls to be that person who makes ish happen.

   "Mmmm. I like that. That smells nice. I'm gonna piss on it." - Dogs. And R. Kelly.

   Judging from the numerous semi-naked profile pics I come across on facebook, I would say the porn industry will never have to worry about shortage of labour.

   I gave up "Olympic Synchronized Swimming" for lent....This is gonna be tough!

   I have tried to know absolutely nothing about a great many things, and I have succeeded fairly well

   Its better to have loved and lost, then stay with that psyco one more sec

   There's that little bit of you that secretly thinks you'll be famous some day.

   Heat wave....ts above 25 degrees for the 2nd straight day!!

   I'm not tall enough to ride my own emotional roller coaster.

   my date last night had something between her boobs I never expected to see there - her belly button

   Don't listen to your heart. It has no idea what's good for you.