Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   There is a piece of aluminum foil blowing across the road and all I can think is that one of you is without your protective headgear today.

   its amusing listening to someone's lie when you already know the truth

   People don't change... They just learn to lie better!

   4 out of 5 voices in my head think the other voice is a douche...

   I'm only as nice as people allow me to be, so don't push my jerk button and we'll be great

   Know what? If they had Neosporin back in 1931, that nasty scar on Frankenstein's forehead would have been far less noticeable.

   So, I've noticed that your superpower is the ability to create drama out of absolutely nothing.

   I wonder during the election for Pope, did the other cardinals point to the losers and say excitedly "you are NOT the father"

   ..didn't get the job... heading home.. Good Bye Rome.. until we meet again

   if you update your profile pic to one that's 2-3 years old without acknowledging its age, I will comment about how much thinner you were back then...

   I just learned the population of sheep in New Zealand is 60 Million..... How long did someone have to stay awake to figure that out?

   Someone who went to school and got a degree in graphic design put time and effort into designing the butterfly design on my toilet paper

   Open your mind before your mouth.

   I started training for a .00001K run coming up 2 years from now. It's going to be hell, but I think I can do it.

   My Crocs say I'm always down for a good time but my fanny pack lets you know I'm prepared for anything.

   no matter how fast you run, the serial killer always walks faster

   That mini heart attack you get when you reach in your pocket and your phone isn't there.

   How do you know when your pet rock dies?

   Denial (n.) Balding men with ponytails.

   Keep an extra condom in your wallet, you'll never know when you have to shut her kids up with a balloon dog.