Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Genders are like the twin towers, there used to be two of them and now it's a really sensitive subject.

   A smart man washes his hands after he pees. A wise man doesn't pee on his fingers.

   I purposely cry while cutting carrots so onions don't left out.

   My memory foam has amnesia

   I made a grocery list last night when I was drunk and it just says "healthy stuff," "looob," and "you don't own me."

   If anxiety was good for weight loss, I'd be back to my birth weight.

   Maybe if we all emailed the Constitution to each other, the NSA will finally read it.

   dems trying to censor any free speech site. And if they can't censor it, they flood it with pro-left nonsense. Sound familiar?

   If Obama gave out government grants for sukin dik guess what scientists would be doing......

   Good thing scientists were WRONG about the ozone huh?

   Mexico has the FBI. The American equivalent of The girl scouts.

   They now say alot of the fake news came out of Russia. Subsequently picked up and reported by CNN

   Hey Mr. President. Mother Nature called. She wants her protection back.

   Waiting for the release of the blockbuster sequel "The Art of the Lie."

   Yesterday a guy asked me "would you give me three dollars for a sandwich?" and I said. "I don't know. Let me see the sandwich."

   I think this lunatic POTUS just needs to get laid. Can someone convince a Melania to take on for the Country?

   Online contest to rename POTUS ... I vote for Pouty McPoutface or Fatty McFatface.

   I think there should be a constitutional amendment where if the president is impeached, they must be placed in a pillory and have actual peaches tossed him. L

   The way this administration is going..... I need something more than coffee , but less than cocaine

   I never calculate a risk before I take it.