life Funny Status Messages

   I had so many great women in my life, yet I don't know where they're at... at least that's what I told the cops ;)

   When I first saw you from across the room, I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life avoiding you.

   Let it be know that if you touch my phone and it's not a life or death situation, it automatically becomes a life or death situation.

   I hope the Olympics teaches kids and parents that in real life you do not get a trophy just for participating.

   I sleep less, I'm tired. I sleep more, I'm tired. Life is impossible.

   I think I'm going to sell everyone else out,,, And be the farmer supplying Life with all these lemons everyone's talking about.

   The best times of my life were spent either blowing bubbles or playing with titties…

   Each day of my life is like a chapter in a book.....deserving of a happy ending....

   If Facebook has proved ANYTHING, it's that the love of your life is someone you've never actually met.

   Ladies, He's not looking at p0rn because he's bored with you. He's been dating his hands his whole life, and that's who's getting boring.

   Show me on your minivan where did your life go wrong and spiral out of control?!?.

   swears if burn my mouth on ONE MORE PIECE OF PIZZA...I will probably continue to buy and eat pizza for the rest of my life.

   If all else fails in my life I can always become a priest and earn a living through that gig.

   I just pictured my life.....and there isn't room for you in the frame.

   I hope the Olympics has taught kids and parents that in real life you do not get a trophy just for participating.

   I'm so blessed not to have you in my life.

   She cheerfully asked me "where were you all my life?" So I honestly told her "hiding in your bathroom" and now I have a restraining order

   Your Sunday morning bible lesson :And the Lord said unto John, "Come forth and receive eternal life."....... But John came fifth and won a toaster.

   OMG. A real girl in real life just tried to talk to me. I didn't know what to say, so I asked her what her zodiac sign was. That's good, right?

   My therapist told me I should take life more seriously. I told him HE should, shmake shmife shmore shmeriously.