Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   In your faces, libtards! Mexico confirmed they are paying for the wall.

   He got a new series, It's Caillou's Wrath Ø69!

   If Trump cannot deliver the goods for the Kremlin, Putin will have him replaced by someone who can.

   I asked the librarian for the latest book on erectile dysfunction! She clattered her computer keyboard and said.."It's not coming up!"...I said.."Yeah!...that's the one!!

   Halloween is just a made up holiday, created by the razor blade industry.

   I'm a proud member of the Exaggerators Club. Membership 1,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000 and growing.

   There is no "I" in "Team." But there is no B, C, D, F, G, H, J, K, L, N, O, P, Q, R, S, U, V, W, X, Y, or Z in "Team" either.

   5000 years of eating bread and now all of a sudden everyone's allergic to gluten? WTF?

   Whenever a little kid asks me to push him on the swing I remind him there are children his age in China making iPhones.

   Relationships always start out as "You're smart and funny." and end up as "You think you know everything and it's all a joke to you!"

   Live music can take me to another place. Like tonight the music was so bad I went to another place.

   The lower the number of dates you've had is directly proportionate to the greater the chances of your winning on Jeopardy.

   Whenever I meet a pretty girl, the first thing I look for is intelligence; because if she doesn’t have that, then she’s mine.

   When Trump said he'd "Give every American a Job" I didn't realise there's was just one job & they'd all get a turn. #mooch

   If Mama Cass had shared her sandwich with Karen Carpenter they both might be still alive today.

   I went to church and a very nice man walked up to me and offered me a whole plate of money. I didn't want to be rude, so I took some of it (like, twenty bucks), and I told him to donate the rest to a charity.

   [inventor of dogs] Take this wolf and make it not eat us.

   I only wear glasses so I can take them off and rub my eyes when someone does something stupid.

   My neighborhood barber just got arrested for selling drugs. I've been his customer for 6 years. I had no idea he was a barber.

   My wife hates snakes. But if they sold snakes at Target, we'd probably have a few snakes.