Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   There are more than 7 billion people on the planet. Can we finally stop calling it the miracle of birth?

   Does eating Tide Pods take skid marks out of underwear? Asking for a friend...

   As a parent you always worry that you want to raise your children to be productive members of society......and then you go to Walmart.

   People usually ask me why I don't have any tattoos, I asked them " would you put a bumper sticker on your Ferrari ?

   From Jabba's point of view, Star Wars is about a guy who owed him a lot of money, but instead of paying he brought in a gang to murder him

   If you want me to remember your baby's name then you will have to call him Buddy.

   I've got an idea for a house flipping show but it's just me watching my kids demolish every room

   My daughter says she can't wait to drink coffee and stay up past 9:00 so don't ever forget we are living the dream here, guys

   Kids have middle names so they can tell when they're really in trouble.

   I was not planning to buy a mattress today, but then I saw a kid twirling a sign like a helicopter and now all I want to do is buy a mattress

   I once was brave enough to shave my privates with a straight razor. But now I don't have the balls to do it again.

   So,,,,,,now that people are eating tide pods,,,,,does that mean they identify as a washing machine, now? I'm confused

   Little girl was crying and told me she was lost. "You're at City Park, kid."

   I bought an orange blanket. Now if I am late for work I can wrap it around me and say I was just rescued by the fire department

   So irritating that my kid gets a text to tell him school is closed for snow day. He should have to stare at the news channel crawl for 45 minutes like I did

   Last time I told my kids to play outdoors they thought I was talking about some old school riock group. They asked Siri to play songs by Outdoors.

   I'm holding out for the Buttermilk Ranch Tide pods.

   Stranger Things got it all wrong. It should have started Season 1 as Strange Things

   The only thing shocking about people on the red carpet now is when they touch something metal

   I keep failing this captcha test and now I think I may be a robot