Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   That silly moment when your gas tank is on 'E' and you turn the music off like it's going to save gas

   Two of the greatest mysteries of the universe: 1) Why are we here? 2) How come Chinese restaurants don't serve breakfast?

   Did anyone in their wildest dreams even imagine that Donald and Mickey would run America one day!? Walt Disney would be proud of this!

   Hey, if it doesn't work out, we can still be friends. Said no guy ever

   My New Years resolution for losing weight starts in February 2018, January was spent looking for a decent diet plan ! #strong

   How can fish get high? With seaweed.

   Two girls riding their bikes on a cobble stone road. 1st girl: I never came this way before. 2nd girl: Me neither. It must be the cobble stones.

   I sneak into hospitals and kiss coma patients.

   So like, this baby mosquito flew for the first time and when he got home his Mom said "How did it go?" and the baby mosquito said "Pretty good I guess. Everybody was clapping for me."

   I thought about buying Hillary Clinton's latest book until Amazon suggested that people who bought this item also bought boots, plastic sheeting, lye, and shovels

   Drink a full big glass of FOX News Kool Aid to maintain that blissfully ignorant anti-American Republican frame of mind.

   Happiness is the best drug on earth and I want to be the number one drug dealer

   Some guy knocked on my door earlier today and said, "I have a parcel for your next door neighbour." I replied, "You've got the wrong house then mate."

   I'm selling my browser history on eBay before the government does.

   Some girls be claiming "hes my world" but this is your fourth "world" in 2 months. My sister, are you building a solar system??

   My Wife Rachel like tall slim guys, and I like older & shorter women. Neither of one of us are what we thought our type was yet & still we're living happily ever after together. Our type has changed into what we see in each other.

   If you cannot afford GYM membership, you can at least afford a Deodorant!

   Seriously its 2018, no one laughs at a joke, you just say LOL or like it and move on, we got no time to laugh !

   Why is Matthew McConaughey still on my tv in car commercial form? Have we learned nothing from our mistakes?

   Last night my refrigerator opened my bedroom door, walked in and stood there and stared at me for a few minuntes, then left and closed the door