Funny Status Messages and Tweets
Funny Status Messages for Facebook, Discord, and Whatsapp and funny tweets for Twitter.
Page: 841 of 6452

If zombies eat the living and vultures eat the dead, what do zombie vultures eat and what do you mean this isn't an emergency, 911 operator?
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02-11-2018 01:22
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I used to like to eat footlong subs, but the periscopes always stuck in my teeth
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02-10-2018 21:08
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Wife nudged me awake "I can hear noises downstairs" so said "so what, I can hear noises downstairs or upstairs"
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02-10-2018 21:01
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My wife as not spoke to me for the past three days since our fight. That saying silence is golden is so true.
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02-10-2018 20:58
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Everybody thinks its so great that Michelangelo painted the chapel ceiling on his back but nobody talks about how long his arms were
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02-10-2018 20:57
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Boss called and wants a meeting, asks how does 3:00 sound? BONG BONG BONG, silly boss
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02-10-2018 20:53
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I can't believe this stupid fly just zoomed in my car before a long trip. Have fun living in Boston, stupid little fly
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02-10-2018 20:43
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Some of my friends say I hang out with the wrong crowd. They say things like "Hey dude we are over here you don't even know those people"
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02-10-2018 20:36
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If your full name was Elongated Musketeer then you would probably shorten it, too
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02-10-2018 20:30
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Two girls talking. 1st girl: I've been ask lots of times to get married. 2nd girl: Was it by the same guy? 1st girl: No, by my mother.
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02-10-2018 17:29 by Jake
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My dog is not a good guard dog, so I replaced him. I really feel stupid barking at the postman.
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02-10-2018 17:23 by Jake
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Justin Bieber is coming out with an 'Unplugged album'? I hope it's the microphone that they unplug.
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02-10-2018 10:50
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I wonder what the inventor of the drawing board said when his first design didn’t work out.
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02-10-2018 08:37
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Dave came into the bar last night visibly shaken. He said he had just slept with his 3rd cousin. I told him, if it upsets you that much, quit counting them
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02-10-2018 08:13 by MDS
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This year rather than candy for your valentine why not liquor instead.
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02-10-2018 08:11 by MDS
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I just read something that said, "Don't believe everything you read." I'm not sure if I should believe it.

I'm kinda glad that dinosaurs are extinct cause I'm pretty sure I'd try to ride one after a few beers.
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02-10-2018 05:30
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While thinking of revenge two sayings came to mind: " revenge is a dish best served cold" and "revenge is sweet". I therefore came to the conclusion that revenge is ice cream.
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02-10-2018 05:15
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It's a good thing Apple wasn't in charge of Calender years. Otheriwise We'd all be expecting 2018 and get 2018S instead
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02-10-2018 05:15
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We live in a strange world where the poor walk miles to get food and the rich walk miles to digest food
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02-10-2018 05:14
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