Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   If it was not for the dumb things I did as a kid. I would not have anything to laugh about today.

   Trump invite the Russian national basketball team to the White House. Yeah, nothing's more American than a Russian team, lol

   The San Francisco Giants visited an orphanage in Mexico last week. "It's really sad to see their faces with no hope" said Juan, age 6.

   The people of Puerto Rico have unfortunately discovered just how much power mother nature has. Yet, there will be those arrogant humans who'll continue to think that we're solely responsible for climate change.

   I miss that feeling you'd get at the video store when you discovered the movie you wanted to rent was available.

   If some of your citizens have lost faith in the flag and country, maybe you needs to try to find out why and address their grievances instead of trying to force them to respect the flag and love their country.

   In post apocalyptic movies everyone wears leather but there are no cows.

   When she suddenly stop singing while she's bathing, just know she's washing her P*ssy

   Steph Curry is hesitant about going to the White House and Trump takes away his invitation. Tom Brady doesn't go to the White House and Trump doesn't say a word.

   If you use karate instead of a knife your wife won't ask you to cut the vegetables anymore

   Other than insecurity, hatred & racism, sexism & discrimination, greed, infidelity and sheer stupidity most of the human race is pretty much perfect...

   I hope someday I will be able to afford an iPhone X... Like the girl in front of me paying for her groceries with food stamps...

   I'm guessing an appropriate term for those pics women take of their own rear-ends could be labeled as "smellfies."

   I remember how proud my wife was when she taught our baby son how to walk and talk. Now that he's 5 she's trying to teach him to sit down and shut up.

   It's ironic how those who bemoan being judged by their color are now the one's judging folks by their color. 1 |

   People who publicly announce they're "taking a break" from social media, are merely disgruntled that they have only 10 friends and even those 10 never comment.

   Why can't you people get it? The protest of not standing for the national anthem will end when you people learn equality and freedom for all races.

   Red wine pairs beautifully with procrastination.

   Kim Jong Un has made millions of Americans look up the word dotard. So far, he's done way more education than Betsy DeVos.

   I didn't mean to gain weight...It was a snacident!