life Funny Status Messages

   You are not living right if you have never been slapped with at least one restraining order in your life!

   My life is a result of "it seemed like a good idea at the time."

   1. Wear a life alert bracelet that says you need to be resuscitated by pizza. 2. Lie on the sidewalk. 3. Feast.

   Life has no remote. You have to get up and change it yourself.

   I have only had two loves in my life: Booze and something else

   People who complain on Yelp, It was one meal out of your entire life. Calm down.

   Stop looking for things and people who you think will make your life perfect, and start looking for the things and people that make your life WORTH IT!

   Watching Nightmare Before Christmas with a nice mug of wine and a bag of Doritos. This is the post-graduate life.

   If I win Power Ball tonight....I'll spend the rest of my life in my whitie tighties judging people on the internet. So basically same thing just $550 million richer.

   Hey guys? You know while I hope you are all enjoying Halo 4, Black Ops 2 and Metal Of Honor? I would like you to know that some of us single guys that have a life are enjoying your girlfriends as well! You know just sayin.

   I need a girlfriend because I like people in my life who can remember stuff.

   A woman in Wisconsin named her child Marijuana Pepsi Cola Jackson. Proof that Aliens will not be invading us, because there is no intelligent life on this planet.

   Honey Boo Boo's mother has a boyfriend. Lets all reflect on my life together.

   I'd rather watch John Goodman rub mayonnaise on himself once an hour for the rest of my life, than listen to "Call Me Maybe" one more time

   EX means ..'' thanks for the EXperience , your time has EXpired , now EXit in my life . !

   As I lie here on my hungover bed of death, I shall re-evaluate my life and consider sobriety ...Tomorrow: repeat

   I'd like to take this opportunity to thank the makers of alcohol for making life worth living.

   Life takes you where you are meant to be. Apparently I am meant to be poor with a ton of education and experience.

   So yesterday at about this time, I was all like, "I'm so thankful for my friends, my life, my freedom." Today...I'd risk prison punching you in the neck for a flat screen.

   I'm no relationship scientist but I think men prefer girls who make their dck hard, not their life.