life Funny Status Messages

   I hope to get to the point in my life where I'm not excited about finding change on the ground.

   Some nights... When I can't sleep.. I stay up and ponder life's greatest unanswered questions... Like: How long it would take a giraffe to throw up. So I did some digging, and apparently, it is a leading cause of Giraffe death... And now I'm sad. :(

   News break the waking dead is on, so I will update everyone every commercial break-Get a life

   If a little kid gives you a high 5 and you don't pretend like they broke your hand, you're doing life wrong.

   Half of life is screwing up…the other half is dealing with it.

   Dear life, is this waking up in the morning thing really necessary?

   In life its only a thief who genuinely wishes you to prosper and succeed.

   I have counted 16 stains on my bed sheets and not one of them is sex related. My life sucks.

   From the first time I met you I knew that I have to run away from you for the rest of my life

   Ladies, check your man's balls for lumps...you could save a life.

   It's the little things in life that matter the most... for instance the refrigerator light, helping you to see that last beer way in the back!

   I've never once jumped into a taxi and yelled, "FOLLOW THAT CAR!" Life is disappointing and movies are liars.

   Too much of my life is spent trying to think of something to write on people's FB walls for their birthday other than "Happy Birthday!"

   Sometimes in life all you need is a Wi-Fi, an iMac and a cup of coffee.

   It's called the pursuit of happiness because you spend your life chasing it before you realize it's the roadrunner and you're the coyote.

   I have never voted in my life... I have always known and understood that the idiots are in a majority so it's certain they will win.

   “I have never voted in my life... I have always known and understood that the idiots are in a majority so it's certain they will win.

   Some people mistake kindness as an invitation to suck the goddamn life right out of ya.

   Life is like a box of chocolates. Sometimes you have to stick your finger in a few before you find the one that's right for you.... and try to stay away from the ones that already have teethmarks in them....

   At one point in their life 95% of women will have intelligent DNA. Unfortunately most will spit it out.