Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Do squirrels ever die from old age or are they all murdered?

   Life is an ever expanding list of things that you used to enjoy.

   Lady, are you a Kardashian because I don't know what the hell you're talking about.

   If you don't need to change your shirt after eating a hot dog you're not doing it right!

   You know when Fall season has shown up. Crappy door wreaths everywhere.

   "YOU ARE FIRED!" - Just me practicing for when Trump is impeached.

   Taught my grandmother that "Jabroni" means "fine young man" and it's made our time out in public way more interesting.

   I hear reincarnation is making a come back.

   I went to a wedding last night and they played “The Twist” so I twisted, next they played “Jump around “ so I jumped around. Next they played “Come on Eileen “ I think you know where this is going.

   If we meet in public and you don't look like your pictures ,you owe me booze until you do.

   My dog is one of those trained to sniff drugs!..he's brilliant and can even roll up his own $20 bill.

   If I'm ever on life support, unplug me..... then plug me back in. See if that works.

   I just found out that сосk fighting is done with chickens? That's 12 months of training gone to waste!

   My last real fight was with a pizza box that wouldn't close.

   What do you call a ghost bee? ...... A boo bee.

   I wouldn't do anything for a Klondike bar, but I would do some sketchy stuff for some coffee.

   "Shrekticles" because, you know....

   How can you fill up a room with people without putting a single person in it? .......

   Crickets are really loud for something that gets eaten by everything

   Chicken Pot Pie: my 3 favorite things.