Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Fun fact: the tiny island of Tonga is one of the very first areas in the world to celebrate the New Year.

   On new year's eve, tonight while counting down the last 10 seconds, Lift yout left leg so you start the new year out on the right foot, making all your troubles last as long as your New Year's resolutions! Happy new years guys! Be safe, please. 😘

   Billboard is wrong. The hottest single of 2018 is me.

   Sometimes there's a very thin line between "I should share this on Facebook with all my friends" and "I might want to seek private professional help for this"

   If you want to know who your real facebook fiends are all you have to do is post that you got a new phone and need numbers.

   And as tradition would have it, I now sincerely regret making plans for NYE

   Rudy: "Put up or shut up." That's good advice, that he needs to follow.

   You know how TV commercials for burgers places make the burger look much better in the picture than they do in real life? Yeah, that's FaceBook

   Don't you hate it when someone is willing to take the credit when something is a success, but when it’s a FAILURE, it’s ALWAYS, somebody else’s fault?

   I had it all, money, a beautiful house, a big car, the love of a beautiful woman, then pow, it was all gone, when my wife found out.

   Bird Box looks exactly like A Quiet Place but instead of covering their mouths, they cover their eyes. Wait, if monkeys have taught me anything... will the next movie be about people who have to cover their ears?

   I'm determind to stay out of debt this new year. Even if I have to borrow the money to do so.

   NETFLIX Bird Box about an English ladie's privates?

   Funny how the most romantic gesture you can make nowadays while on a date to show the person your with that your truly interested is done by not looking at your phone.

   I wish it was 1945 so I could call chicks “doll face”

   Please let me complain about my dry throat without you offering to lubricate it.

   For sale: Slightly used Christmas tree. Can pick up in front of neighbors house.

   When it comes for the New Year's count down, raise your left leg. That way you'll start the New Year out on the right foot.

   I understand that in every life a little Rain Must Fall, but what I don't understand is why does it always happen to me the few times when forget to close my car windows?

   At least mansplaing only takes a few seconds. Womansplaining can take HOURS!!!!