Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Sometimes I think I need to be in a mental institution, then I look around and think that maybe I already am.

   Some people like set an example. I prefer to be a warning.

   Word of the Day: Hippocampus - A college or university where a significant number of students are overweight.

   Not so great minds also think alike!

   Just cleaned up my friends list, so if you can see this post it means you've made the cut because your special!....or my worst enemy I just want to keep an eye on.

   MIRACLE-WHIP IS SALAD DRESSING NOT MAYONNAISE Restaurants stop putting salad dressing on my sammiches !!

   The Chicken is offended that even after all the jokes, the crossing on the road is still named after Deer .

   I bet the astronauts were bummed when they found out Tang was just something they drank in space...

   So what caused GM to beg for a bailout 10 years ago. I am sure it wasnt bad management

   People ask to meet for coffee so they can pick my brain almost every week. If you don’t want to pay for consultancy I don’t have a brain.

   My friend hates it when I put his chocolate bars in other chocolate bar wrappers. He gets his snickers in a twix.

   My grandpa was so competitive that on his death bed, as he breathed his last, he said, "Staring contest......GO".

   When someone says "Only God can judge me" what they are really saying "I know it's wrong but I still don't care."

   I was thinking about going to Walmart for Black Friday but I couldn't find my pajamas.

   "Who let the dogs out?" - [Pavlov getting annoyed]

   British PhD student Matthew Hedges has been pardoned in the United Arab Emirates! All he has to do is visit the Embassy to pick up his papers!

   brought to you in full digital and also giving out coupons for your box.

   The older I get, the more sense it makes to have a TV in the bathroom.

   Thankful saturday: The saturday after Thanksgiving when all your relatives have finally gone back home.

   Never buy my grandchildren's christmas presents in november. They really seem fun...and Christmas is in more than a month...oh what the heck: I have to try them. It's party time!