Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   The minute you post an incorrect spelllling on line you find a hundred unemployed Teachers on social sites!

   It's so cold Richard Simmons started wearing pants

   First paralyzed human treated with stem cells has now regained his upper body movement. So, what's so bad about stem cell?

   I got pulled over again. The cop said "I'm going to need to see your license and registration." I said "You guys seriously need to get a grip. One day you take my license and the next day you ask to see it."

   I'm getting nothing for my wall..... Congress keeps telling me no..... I'm getting nothing for my wall..... So congress, you can go to hell.

   Hope you blokes are enjoying the extreamly cold weather. God knows you people deserve it.

   Trere is a new line added to this years tax form that reads, Would you like $3 of your federal tax go to buying us a sandwich?

   someone from Egypt sent me an e-mail asking me to wire them money. I think it was a pyramid scheme

   So cold my foot long shrunk to a 6”...I didn’t go to Subway today either.

   They're bringing back the federal government for a limited time, like it's the McRib.

   I can’t believe I thought this VHS porn collection would be worth a lot of money by now

   Butter pecan ice cream taste like a senior citizen discount

   If a tree....I mean If didn't brag about my activities on Facebook did they really happen?

   My boss just appointed me as his sex adviser. He said " When I want your fu*king advice, I'll ask for it."

   Breast are proof that men can concentrate on two things at the same time.

   I just got a new smartphone with a app installed on it that tells you which of your friends spend to much time starring at their phones who are in need a social life that's called facebook.

   I wish there were private counselors who would meet you at a chipotle and let you pour your heart out while you stuff your face.

   I hate people who are too stubborn to let things go just because they don't want to be told "I told you so".

   am I watching The Weather Channel or Game of Thrones? it looks like winter is coming

   If you add coconut oil to sauté'd kale it will make it easier to scrape it into the trash so you can fry bacon.