Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   This NFL Experience is so real they even have a back room full of white girls & cocaine

   Staying alone is cool and all but the only problem is that it's always your turn to do the dishes.

   After much consideration I've decided not to host the Grammys this year.

   The reason that a grilled cheese sandwich and tomato soup make such a great combination is because they the same basic ingredients as pizza.

   I wonder whatever happened to Rick Astley? He said he was never going give us up but he seems to have let us down. I'm hurt.

   Popeyes finally added a drink to their $5 meal. Somebody up in corporate finally choked on a biscuit.

   The minute you post an incorrect spelllling on line you find a hundred unemployed Teachers on social sites!

   It's so cold Richard Simmons started wearing pants

   First paralyzed human treated with stem cells has now regained his upper body movement. So, what's so bad about stem cell?

   I got pulled over again. The cop said "I'm going to need to see your license and registration." I said "You guys seriously need to get a grip. One day you take my license and the next day you ask to see it."

   I'm getting nothing for my wall..... Congress keeps telling me no..... I'm getting nothing for my wall..... So congress, you can go to hell.

   Hope you blokes are enjoying the extreamly cold weather. God knows you people deserve it.

   Trere is a new line added to this years tax form that reads, Would you like $3 of your federal tax go to buying us a sandwich?

   someone from Egypt sent me an e-mail asking me to wire them money. I think it was a pyramid scheme

   So cold my foot long shrunk to a 6”...I didn’t go to Subway today either.

   They're bringing back the federal government for a limited time, like it's the McRib.

   I can’t believe I thought this VHS porn collection would be worth a lot of money by now

   Butter pecan ice cream taste like a senior citizen discount

   If a tree....I mean If didn't brag about my activities on Facebook did they really happen?

   My boss just appointed me as his sex adviser. He said " When I want your fu*king advice, I'll ask for it."