Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Think I'm going to ride a cow to work tomorrow .. trigger sum folks

   I don't think I'll have the confidence in someone closing up our border when that person can't close an umbrella properly.

   Rich guy: I should be paying higher taxes. Also rich guy: has a team of accountants find every possible deduction to reduce taxes...

   Just helping someone find the chocolates I ate yesterday!

   The best sign of a happy loving relationship between two people on Valentine's Day is no sign of it all on Facebook.

   Q:How many games have the Kentucky Wildcats lost in their history? A: None... but they've been cheated out of a lot

   I wish I had as much closet space as people in horror movies.

   it true atheist children lie down and make snow corpses

   Next time you visit someone with Alexa. "Alexa set 3am alarm with horror movie sounds."

   Tough Monday today so I consulted my spirit guide. He led me right to the Vodka. Total Mind Reader!!!

   Was gonna make a subtle joke about the Rueben I got at a deli the other day but I'm not sure everyone would appreciate the rye humor.

   Some of you ladies have more inches of snow outside than your man has in his pants.

   I've probably spent a solid year of my life just staring into the refrigerator!

   Just discovered that spilling hot coffee in your lap wakes you up faster then drinking it.

   I thought the internet was originally created to save time. So what happened?

   Why is it I have to use leaves as toilet paper when I go camping while bears get to use Charmin?

   If you’re single and starting to feel a little sad about Valentines day just remember that Saint Valentine was beaten, thrown in prison then beheaded and all candy will be 50% off the next day.

   It wasn’t the hundreds of selfies with snapchat filters that bothered me that much. It was the fact she actually had bunny ears and freakishly oversized eyes when she showed up to dinner.

   All this beer drinking I do gives me a hangover. It's really noticeable when I stand sideways.

   There’s good sex, then there’s no-hole-left-untouched sex.