Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   What do you call people who are afraid of Santa Claus? Claustrophobic.

   Christmas Card $3.00 Brand new "Shrek" dvd $20.00 Gift wrap $2.00 The look of disappointment in a childs face when you tell them santa isn't real - PRICELESS !!!

   note to self: they all look the same when the lights are out,

   No outfit is complete without a few dog hairs :)

   I have kleptomania. But when it get's bad,i take something for it.

   OFFICE MEMO: Mrs. Waite is doing all my work today. If you're in a rush for it,go to Helen Waite

   Sam Adams Triple Bock.....14% alcohol? Seriously? One of these is like 3.5 Coronas! .......Danger Will Robinson!

   Walked by A Maternity Clothes Store today and there was a "Please Come Inside" sign on the door. Duh, Why do you think they need Maternity Clothes

   Life is like roller coster indeed, and i'm about to throw up..*woakh*

   knows a lot of people that will corner the market on coal this Christmas

   - Strengthen your memory. Lie more.

   has never been good with foreign languages. He just tried to wish someone a happy birthday in Spanish, and what he wound up saying was, "The hooker chews on poisoned lugnuts."

   just met a lot of people who will corner the market on coal this Christmas.

   also slept with Tiger Woods.

   disappointed that all libraries don't carry free adderall

   Every womans' dream is a nice big wedding. Every mans' nightmare is a nice big wedding

   Having a baby changes the way you view your in-laws. I love it when they come to visit now. They can hold the baby and I can go out.

   Joe Dirt says 'Lifes a garden Dig It' I say 'life is NOT a garden so stop being a hoe!'

   Tiger woods just changed his Relationship to: "it's Complicated

   Have you ever looked at other people and think to yourself "I'm just better than you"......welcome to my life