Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   knows why boy scouts don't sell cookies. Because nobody would eat a cookie with 'BS' on it.

   waiting for the new i-touch-wii

   While stepping over the broken bodies, my heart sank as I suddenly realized my hiding spot had been located...

   wants to be like one of those cool tv dads like Bill Cosby. So he is sending his wife to Law School and starting a Medical practice in his basement

   When you feel neglected think of a mother salmon who lays 3,000,000 eggs and no one remembers her on Mother's Day

   Last week I sent my friend a pile of snow. I called her today and asked "Did you get my drift?"

   wonders if one took up dancing in the southern hemisphere, if it would be considered "pole" dancing

   It was recently reported that House Speaker Pelosi stated that "There has never been a more open process" regarding the Health Care Reform Bill." Which begs the question, is she smoking marijuana for a medical condition?

   Bigamy is having one wife too many. Monogamy is the same.

   was told recently that it really doesn't constitute stalking if you inform the other party. I like that. So, Greater Facebook Community, I'm probably stalking you.

   Jets fans relax, I know being in the playoffs is exciting but the bengals let you win so enjoy it while it last....... Cause it's over come Saturday.

   Life is too short for regrets, so after mortally wounding your enemies, learn to forgive yourself and move on

   Hold on to your shovels, its going to be a long winter!!

   You can't get greater in life if your still tryin to get even.

   Life's too short to wake up in the morning with regrets, so love the people who treat you right and pray for the ones who don't. Life is ten percent what you make it and ninety percent how you take it. "

   ..i thought it was sweet of my boss to gather us all together and warn us of the massive amounts of snow expected overnight and to drive carefully... then also warn us to "show up to work tomorrow or else". Aww they really DO care!

   A woman is an occasional pleasure but a cigar is always a smoke.

   I have 5,000 channels I cannot watch since they are in spanish, but they take away Food Network and HGTV from me......... Cablevision you are a disgrace, what the hell am I paying you to much money for!!! Damm you Cablevision, damm you!

   Twister. Its all fun and games til the cat comes up pregnant

   applied to be an exotic dancer and had to audition. They are stupid, I know for a fact, that the chicken dance is sexier naked.