Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   sure i'll sign oprah's pledge to make my car a cell free zone... it'll free up both hands to hold my grey goose bottle.

   's son left his action figures in the bathtub, and Batman is now most definitely in the wrong Batcave!

   First thing this morning, there was a tap on my door. Funny sense of humour my plumber has...

   Squirrels - Nature's Speedbumps

   hired a russian housemaid today,it took her 5 hours to hoover the house....turns out she's a slovak.

   Tiger Woods has announced that he will return to golf at next months Masters. Also returning to golf ...television viewers

   MAN'S POEM I pray for a deaf-mute nymphomaniac with huge boobs who owns a liquor store and a golf course. This doesn't rhyme and I don't give a s**t.

   there is a thin line between sanity and insanity...and I just snorted it.

   Just out of curiousity....Does anyone know how to get blood out of clothes??? Better yet, carpet??? Thanks!!!

   If only closed minds came with closed mouths!!.....

   so drunk last night, had a blue tooth blinking into my ear and thought the cops were following me

   I liked you until you farted and turned the MUSIC up like it was gonna cover the smell.

   just seen a homeless dude with a sign that said "too ugly to prostitute."

   You give new meaning to the saying "Beaten with an Ugly Stick," it looks more like you were smashed by the whole damn forest.

   just finished her first book!!! man, that was alot of coloring!!

   It's not even a booty call, it's a drive by... hit it and go.

   I had a wet dream about you last night... I pissed myself laughing when you fell off a cliff!

   I got in a fight one time with a really big guy, and he said, “I'm going to mop the floor with your face.” I said, “You'll be sorry.” He said, “Oh, yeah? Why?” I said, “Well, you won't be able to get into the corners very well.”

   I didn't fight my way to the top of the food chain to be a vegetarian

   The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it's still on the list...