Funny Status Messages and Tweets

Funny Status Messages for Facebook, Discord, and Whatsapp and funny tweets for Twitter.

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   messageicon sure i'll sign oprah's pledge to make my car a cell free zone... it'll free up both hands to hold my grey goose bottle.
←Rate | 03-16-2010 20:34 Comments (0)  


   messageicon 's son left his action figures in the bathtub, and Batman is now most definitely in the wrong Batcave!
←Rate | 03-16-2010 20:16 Comments (0)  


   messageicon First thing this morning, there was a tap on my door. Funny sense of humour my plumber has...
←Rate | 03-16-2010 20:14 by Y.P Comments (0)  


   messageicon Squirrels - Nature's Speedbumps
←Rate | 03-16-2010 20:11 by Aaron Comments (0)  


   messageicon hired a russian housemaid today,it took her 5 hours to hoover the house....turns out she's a slovak.
←Rate | 03-16-2010 19:45 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Tiger Woods has announced that he will return to golf at next months Masters. Also returning to golf ...television viewers
←Rate | 03-16-2010 19:32 Comments (0)  


   messageicon MAN'S POEM I pray for a deaf-mute nymphomaniac with huge boobs who owns a liquor store and a golf course. This doesn't rhyme and I don't give a s**t.
←Rate | 03-16-2010 19:16 Comments (0)  


   messageicon there is a thin line between sanity and insanity...and I just snorted it.
←Rate | 03-16-2010 19:12 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Just out of curiousity....Does anyone know how to get blood out of clothes??? Better yet, carpet??? Thanks!!!
←Rate | 03-16-2010 18:41 by Nunthewizr Comments (1)  


   messageicon If only closed minds came with closed mouths!!.....
←Rate | 03-16-2010 18:18 by Munchkin26 Comments (0)  


   messageicon so drunk last night, had a blue tooth blinking into my ear and thought the cops were following me
←Rate | 03-16-2010 18:04 Comments (0)  


   messageicon I liked you until you farted and turned the MUSIC up like it was gonna cover the smell.
←Rate | 03-16-2010 17:18 Comments (2)  


   messageicon just seen a homeless dude with a sign that said "too ugly to prostitute."
←Rate | 03-16-2010 17:14 Comments (2)  


   messageicon You give new meaning to the saying "Beaten with an Ugly Stick," it looks more like you were smashed by the whole damn forest.
←Rate | 03-16-2010 17:08 Comments (0)  


   messageicon just finished her first book!!! man, that was alot of coloring!!
←Rate | 03-16-2010 17:03 by ANGELA Comments (0)  


   messageicon It's not even a booty call, it's a drive by... hit it and go.
←Rate | 03-16-2010 16:52 by Marshall the Great Comments (0)  


   messageicon I had a wet dream about you last night... I pissed myself laughing when you fell off a cliff!
←Rate | 03-16-2010 16:04 Comments (0)  


   messageicon I got in a fight one time with a really big guy, and he said, “I'm going to mop the floor with your face.” I said, “You'll be sorry.” He said, “Oh, yeah? Why?” I said, “Well, you won't be able to get into the corners very well.”
←Rate | 03-16-2010 15:53 by Aaron Comments (0)  


   messageicon I didn't fight my way to the top of the food chain to be a vegetarian
←Rate | 03-16-2010 15:40 by Aaron Comments (0)  


   messageicon The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it's still on the list...
←Rate | 03-16-2010 15:38 by Aaron Comments (0)  




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