Funny Status Messages

   I don't kill flies but I like to mess with their minds. I hold them above globes. They freak out and yell, 'Whoa, I'm way too high!'

   does not think of himself as fat, he thinks of himself as being famine and drought resistant.

   when you think your life sucks, just remember that somewhere in the world is one poor b*stard named Mr. Pelosi....

   considering starting a Hooters for us girls. It will be called C*cks, feature a rooster instead of an owl, and only hire gorgeous, well-hung boy toys.

   OMFG I just saw this woman with Buckwheat in a headlock! Either that, or she's European.

   I don't think of it as a mess... I just think it's nice having everything I own in plain sight and within easy reach at all times!

   I'm no psychologist, but I'm pretty sure the only way to alleviate the guilt of eating a peanut butter cup is by eating 15 more.

   If it werent for the gutter my mind would be homeless!!!

   A foolish man tells a woman to stop talking. A wise man tells her that her mouth is extremely beautiful when her lips are closed.

   Recently, my Visa card was stolen. Now, it's 'everywhere I want to be'.

   I TOOK A DRUG TEST THE OTHER DAY AND THE TEST RESULTS CAME BACK NEGATIVE. WHICH MEANS MY DEALER HAS SOME F*CKING EXPLAINING TO DO...

   The police NEVER think it's as funny as I do!.(;

   Man can believe the impossible, but can never believe the improbable

   Bigamy is having one wife too many. Monogamy is the same

   I guess I just prefer to see the dark side of things. The glass is always half empty. And cracked. And I just cut my lip on it. And chipped a tooth

   cigarettes are just like ferrets, perfectly harmless until you put one in your mouth and set it on fire...

   somehow criminal lawyer seems slightly redundant

   come on now, you think Elin (Tiger's wife) would really walk away from all that money... She's not that crazy.

   out dealin w/ things way beyond his maturity level...

   Perfect day today... I think i'll go for a walk outside now, the summer sun's calling my name! I just can't stay inside all day! I gotta get out, get me some of those rays!