Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Leadership: The art of getting someone else to do something you want done because he wants to do it.

   The real trouble with reality is that there's no background music...

   C.R.E.A.M. - Coffee Rules Everything Around Me

   Warning: Dates in Calendar are closer than they appear...

   Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

   when I was drunk, you were beautiful

   Exaggeration is a billion times worse than understatement

   No one likes a smartass. Especially another smartass. Unless they have their own TV show, then they're a comic genius.

   He who laughs last should do so from a safe distance.

   went to Barnes & Noble and asked the saleswoman, "where's the self-help section?" She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose...

   Never knock on Death's door; ring the doorbell and run (he hates that)

   Kids in the back seat cause accidents; accidents in the back seat cause kids...

   doesn't have a beer belly. What I have is a fuel tank for a sex machine......

   1 in 5 people in the world are Chinese. There are 5 people in my family, so it must be one of them. It's either my mom or my dad Maybe my older brother Colin. Or my younger brother Ho-Cha-Chu. But I think it's Colin.

   I saw six men kicking and punching the mother-in-law. My neighbour said 'Are you going to help?' I said 'No, six should be enough.'

   I read recipes the same way I read science fiction. I get to the end and I think, "Well, that's not going to happen."

   There are three kinds of people: The ones who learn by reading. The ones who learn by observation. And the rest of them who have to touch the fire to learn it's hot.

   I don't have a beer belly, I have a protective covering for my rock hard abs.

   Wonders how do they get a deer to cross at that yellow road sign?

   I dont say my wife is a bad cook, she just uses smoke alarm as timer !!