Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I have a better idea. Tell your boobs to stop staring at me, it's very distracting

   Tony is telling everybody to remember that there are two words that will open a lot of doors for you " Push and Pull"

   God takes care of drunks and babies...do you know how lucky that is for drunk babies?

   Everything in this world seems to be made for right handed people...it's so frustrating for someone like me who's underhanded.

   Alcoholism is a progressive degenerative disease, or in lamens terms, "the afteraffect of marriage."

   Fashion tip of the day: Girls...when your toes have to grip the end of your "open toed shoes" when you walk, its probably not a good idea to wear them!

   thinks that the reason I find FB so appealing is because it reassures me that I am not the only one that is not normal.

   'Me and my shadow' my @ss...whenever I get caught, that b!tch runs!

   do you really want Miracle Water made by Rev. Peter Popoff.com

   I don't know if I Should be mad at you or my phone.. because when you called me under "Restricted" my phone didn't use your specific ringtone. so now I'm stuck talking to you!!"

   fighting crime at the source...i'm donating to Planned Parenthood.

   suppose evolution is true,a million years from now we'll have oil producing fish.

   there is a midget in line in front of me at the Walgreens. He has a bag of pork rinds and a box of condoms...my question...which one do you think was the impulse buy?

   Seriously, dude in front of me at the register...digging in your pants for the last 2 minutes for change is making you look kinda creepy...

   not sure we're using this internet thingy properly. He just Googled 'Partridge Family Theme Song Lyrics' and got 97,000 pages that had them. Seriously? He thinks one page is quite enough. Maybe 2, for a backup in case one goes down.

   If a cop stops me and says "papers" and I say "scissors" do I win?

   *When I m Studying parents dont see.When I takes a break parents- "why dont I ever see you study?"

   going cow tipping in FarmVille...Don't say I didn't warn you...

   hypothetical high five.... wait for it...... NICE!!

   I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what I do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, I draw the line. I'm sorry but I just can't let you beat me at mario kart