Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Dear Karma:U haven't been comin' round lately... I understand if u're too busy but I heard you keep missin' the person i've been talkin' bout... WHY?

   Confucius says "Boy who goes to bed with sex problem wake up with solution in hand."

   I just said hey to Sarah Jessica Parker and she got really excited. She must have thought I meant hay.

   The meek may inherit the earth, but the shrewd will collect the rent.

   My wife and I always get into arguments, and I always get the last word.. "Yes Dear!!"

   suggests that you do the following: go to google, type "google wont" and then click "I'm feeling lucky"

   without freedom of speech we would never know who the a$$holes are

   Q: How do you make four old ladies say  ‘FUCK!'?  A: Get a fifth one to yell  ‘BINGO!' 

   The fact "gorilla" does not rhyme with "tortilla" infuriates me.

   Despite the cost of living, have you noticed how popular it remains?

   These are my Hammer pants; you can't touch them.

   Frankly, 'm surprised BP hasn't called Tiger Woods, given his expertise in filling golf holes

   I've never tipped a cow. Then again, one has never served me food.

   WHEW! I just had a near-work experience...

   Confucius says "Man who walk through airport door sideways is going to Bangkok."

   first comes the engagement ring, then the wedding ring and finally the suffering

   There are only two  four letter words that are offensive to men - 'don't' and 'stop', unless they are used  together. 

   When I was born, I was given a choice - A big d**k.  or a good memory. I don't remember, what I chose. 

   A female officer arrests a drunk. She warns him, ‘You  have the right to remain silent. Anything you say can and will be held against you.'   The drunk replies,  ‘Boobs.' 

   A WOMAN'S FOUR FAVORITE ANIMALS:  A mink in the closet , a Jaguar in the garage, a tiger in the bedroom and an a*s  to pay for it all !