Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I got a speeding ticket yesterday...But my attorney, Rudy Giuliani, plead it down to 1st Degree Murder.

   I think it's a miracle Jesus was able to turn water into wine but I thank God each morning for giving me the ability to turn water into coffee.

   The phrases "Adam Schiff" and "Intelligence" can not be used in the same sentence.

   The thing I don't like about Twitter is don't give you enough room to write all your thoughts out and you always end up cutting short every sente

   Let's face it, Facebook is just a place for people seeking attention and tweeter is a place where they hope someone, anyone, will listen.

   Hey Shakira, I get it. With all of these nachos and tequila, my hips don't lie either.

   I found something called bath bombs in the cabinet and honestly I had no idea we were even at war with the tub

   The probability of someone looking at you is directly proportional to the stupidity of your action.

   You can tell it’s autumn because Nancy Peelosi used her cauldron to make chowder.

   mortgage broker: You’ll need proof of stable income. me: no problem broker: Where are you currently employed? me: Spirit Halloween

   I never know what to do with all the fast food condiments I bring home from restaurants but I sure am ready for the trick-or-treaters this year!

   I always regret making a good first impression. Because there's no way I can keep that up for long.

   I was sitting drinking coffee in my slippers this morning, when I thought to myself... I really need to wash some mugs.

   Just downloaded the new Samuel L Jackson voice to my Echo, now it wont quit asking me "whats in my wallet"...

   [At work] What can I do to pass the time?

   Car washes are just another shower to cry in.

   Laughs, joy, rainbows, outstanding, butterflies, sunlight, weekends, love, cheers, relaxing, Saturdays, extraordinary, hilarious, moonlight, optimistic, peaceful, romance - Just changing my Facebook algorithms with keywords to see happier posts!

   Dating is like garage sales where everything looks great from a distance but up close you realize it's just someone else's garbage you don't need.

   What do you call a dog with no legs? It doesn't matter what you call him he won't come to you anyway.

   The world would be a better place if we all got along like the "Price is Right" audience.