Funny Status Messages and Tweets
Funny Status Messages for Facebook, Discord, and Whatsapp and funny tweets for Twitter.
Page: 595 of 6446

The thing I don't like about Twitter is don't give you enough room to write all your thoughts out and you always end up cutting short every sente
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09-29-2019 13:26
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Let's face it, Facebook is just a place for people seeking attention and tweeter is a place where they hope someone, anyone, will listen.
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09-29-2019 13:17
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Hey Shakira, I get it. With all of these nachos and tequila, my hips don't lie either.
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09-28-2019 16:19
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I found something called bath bombs in the cabinet and honestly I had no idea we were even at war with the tub
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09-28-2019 16:19
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The probability of someone looking at you is directly proportional to the stupidity of your action.

You can tell it’s autumn because Nancy Peelosi used her cauldron to make chowder.
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09-28-2019 07:33
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mortgage broker: You’ll need proof of stable income. me: no problem broker: Where are you currently employed? me: Spirit Halloween
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09-28-2019 06:57
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I never know what to do with all the fast food condiments I bring home from restaurants but I sure am ready for the trick-or-treaters this year!
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09-27-2019 23:39
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I always regret making a good first impression. Because there's no way I can keep that up for long.

I was sitting drinking coffee in my slippers this morning, when I thought to myself... I really need to wash some mugs.
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09-27-2019 17:55 by DJJackson
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Just downloaded the new Samuel L Jackson voice to my Echo, now it wont quit asking me "whats in my wallet"...
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09-27-2019 09:09 by SEAN
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[At work] What can I do to pass the time?
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09-27-2019 06:57
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Car washes are just another shower to cry in.

Laughs, joy, rainbows, outstanding, butterflies, sunlight, weekends, love, cheers, relaxing, Saturdays, extraordinary, hilarious, moonlight, optimistic, peaceful, romance - Just changing my Facebook algorithms with keywords to see happier posts!
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09-27-2019 01:56
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Dating is like garage sales where everything looks great from a distance but up close you realize it's just someone else's garbage you don't need.
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09-26-2019 22:49
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What do you call a dog with no legs? It doesn't matter what you call him he won't come to you anyway.
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09-26-2019 16:17
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The world would be a better place if we all got along like the "Price is Right" audience.
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09-26-2019 15:33
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COWORKER: Walking is better for your knees than running. ME: Hammocking is better than both.
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09-26-2019 15:32
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*Lying in hospital Doctor)Your back is broken in 6 places. You may never walk again Me)At least I got all the groceries in one trip
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09-26-2019 15:30
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It's widely known that some members of a prison population become well-read and crafty with words. Sometimes you can mix prose with cons.
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09-26-2019 15:30
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