Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   just heard a rumor that President Obama is going to hire Servpro (Like it never even happened) to remove the remaining water out of BP's oil in the Gulf of Mexico........

   I fight evil wherever it may be....except in dark scary places.

   Can somebody please tell this b*tch nobody likes her...

   "hey, isn't smoking weed illegal?" replies, "Hey aren't half the songs on your iPod stolen?"

   Blind people must get stuck in bad relationships because they can't see other people.

   Dinner is no fun anymore since I stopped pretending I'm on TV when I'm cooking.

   I just watch a naked Chinese man run into a wall at full speed with a hard on. He broke his nose.

   Sure, I've done bad things in my life. But not "going to hell" bad. More like "Jesus is going to make me his b*tch in heaven" bad.

   Ozzie Guillen is going off the rails on a crazy train........

   Can everyone just go n help get all the water out of BP's oil!! Thanx!!

   Starting a sentence with “If you ask me” almost always indicates that no one asked you.

   giving a warning to America.... Wayne Rooney.

   To the girl who cut us off on the freeway. "James Joyce" told me to tell yoU - See You In Tea!

   An optimist is a person who sees a green light everywhere. The pessimist sees only the red light. But the truly wise person is color blind.

   got a call today from a burial place, wanted to sell me on cremation. They told me I could pay for all services in advance. I asked, “What if I am in a horrible car fire, does my family get a refund? Or, do you burn me up again like refried–John

   Shrek beat Sex and The City at the box office this past weekend. It was quite a showdown between two very unique movies. One is about a hideous creature and all of it's friends, and the other one is Shrek.

   attempting to give a damn: ███████████████████] 99% Complete... ERROR!: Unable to give a damn.

   wonders why passing dog walkers insist on introducing their dogs to each other, when the animals clearly act as if they want to tear out each others' throats.

   figures the only thing worse than finding out that you were given up for adoption would be learning that it was Rick Astley who gave you up.

   would you like that sea bass regular or unleaded?