Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Why do they always staff the slowest cashier at the express lanes at Walmart?

   just got a phone call reminder from my dentist about an appointment to come in for a cavity search...

   The Stones are doing a farewell tour. Gonna miss Fred and Barney.

   I can be the only guy at Walmart at two in the morning but as soon as I whip that box of Tampax on the belt, the checkout line is full and they do a price check.

   Dang Kobe, first Artest and now Matt Barnes!? Talk about keeping ur friends close and ur enemies closer! Lol

   It's never a good sign when you lift a girls skirt and find a fly strip dangling down.

   Suppose I should get a girlfriend. Yep, I'm almost out of cologne.

   My poor girlfriend. She's been sick every morning so far this week. I hope she starts to feel better.

   I like to play "Rodeo Cowboy" with my girlfriend. Whenever we're making love and I'm behind her, I call her by a different name and see how long I can hold on.

   wonders why all the old people talk about how far they walked to school back in the day...didnt anyone live close to the school back then

   when the smog clears in Los Angeles, UCLA...

   breaking news! Suicidal twin kills sister by accident!

   If we arent meant to have late night snacks then why is there a light in the fridge?

   I met a girl in a pub last night.We ended up going back to hers.After a few more drinks, we started kissing & having a bit of foreplay on the sofa.She looked at me and said, "Let's take this upstairs."I said,"Okay you grab one end and I'll grab the other.

   I was very ambitious about achieving goals until I learned you can just go to bars and lie to people.

   They are making a Mexican version of the ‘Sound of the Music'? Sombrer over the mountain…..

   Religion has convinced people that there's an invisible man living in the sky who watches everything you do. And if you piss him off, you go to a place full of fire and burning and torture and anguish. But he loves you. He loves you, and he needs money.

   The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.

   I'm not sure If I just pulled a groin muscle working out, but I am walking funny and I sound like Mike Tyson...

   One of the best feelings is cutting a person off and then having them do something to reassure you that you made the right decison.