Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   If I was on death row and given one last meal I would ask for a fortune cookie. "Come on 'long prosperous life!'"

   I mustache you a question, but I'll shave it for later.

   in case of a fire do not use the elevator use water

   They say money doesn't buy happiness.....I am guessing you're shopping at the wrong store...

   Mr. Officer would you like Coffee & doughnuts with my license & registration sir???

   I cant take this sh*t anymore!!! .....so I flushed the toilet and walked out :)

   How do I set my Lazer Printer to Stun?

   Mow let me get this straight ------------~ Damn!! So close!!!

   I "HOPE" we can "CHANGE" it back!

   The 33 miners trapped deep underground have apparently been given the bad news that it will take 3 months to dig them out of deep hole... I wish our government would tell us when we could expect being dug out of "Our Hole"

   doesn't understand the phrase 'less than a few minutes.' I mean, we don't even know how long 'a few minutes' is, so how the hell would we know what's less than that?

   Telling the cop that you thought the voice in your GPS counted as a designated driver doesn't help your case.

   I like to walk around my house naked... Until my neighbors scream at me to go back inside.

   Sweat Pants: Strong enough for exercising, but made for a guy to lounge on the couch and relax in.

   if you're good at something you just gotta put on your jogging shoes and run with it!!!

   A baseball fan is someone who likes a seriously girly and pathetic sport.

   home alone and just herd a noise, he is now in ninja mode...

   thinking.. Don't you hate it when you are having a great memory about a fantastic adventure you had as a kid and then you realise it was actually an episode of "Leave it to Beaver " ??

   A baseball fan is a spectator sitting 500 feet from home plate who can see better than an umpire standing five feet away

   Don't be a BEN brother, should have been, would have been, could have been, or might have been