Funny Status Messages

   the only difference between a oral thermometer and a rectal thermometer is the taste

   Setting a trap for the tooth fairy. chalk, string, duct tape and a little dynamite. theif should of gave me more than $1 for my tooth.....she's toast.

   how can the world end in 2012 if I have a yogurt that expires is 2013?

   I really hope I don't get abducted by aliens. I haven't learned to speak Spanish yet!

   A man gets on a plane with 6 kids. The flight attendant asks, "Are these your kids?" The man replies, "No, I work for Trojan and these are customer complaints!"

   You know you're a mother when you hide in the bathroom to be alone!

   The fact that I have a Southern accent, doesn't make me stupid.

   sometimes You'll blame a new love for things an old one did.

   If he was stupid enough to walk away, be smart enough to let him go

   you move on because theres nothing else you can do

   I never understood why guys always have their hands down their pants. Then last night I found myself watching TV with my hand in my bra. It finally occurred to me...when you've got something great, you want to hold onto it.

   My mom thinks LOL stands for "Lots Of Love" and texted me "Your Grandma just died. LOL"

   damn wish I didnt take things to literally all the time went to friendly's and the waitress asked if I would like a happy ending

   need advice on how to make a paper cut to the jugular look like an accident.

   I hate rich people who think they are above and better than the poor and middle class,hey people when your gone they'll use manure on your grave just like mine

   so the truth come out of its eerie inhabitants

   killing 1 bird with 2 stones

   i guess its better to be picking daisies than pushing them up

   It's not that I don't like men..Its just that I think they should drink from separate water fountains..

   What's the diference between a woman and a battery? A battery has a positive side.