Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   The happiest sentence: "...but I love you". The saddest sentence: "I love you but..."

   Beekapoo is me the lime

   At first we were just going to stay home at Intercourse, PA but then my wife said she wanted a vacation out of the states so now we are going to Phucket Thailand

   agrees with Ellen DeGeneres. Tennis ball chasers would be more efficient if they used a leaf blower.

   at Office Depot wearing a raincoat looking for a staple remover.

   Dad always tried to warn me that if I continued to play with the stapler while naked I would eventually be bored enough to try stapling things that should not be stapled. For well over 30 years I proved Dad wrong. Today, however, he was finally right.

   Dear Mrs. Obama- I've scheduled some movers for tomorrow at 1600 Pennsylvania Ave.

   there should be a happy hr during the work day whos on board

   facebook should add a b*tchslap otion along with like or dislike option

   Today I went to IKEA and hid in the wardrobes. And every time someone opened the doors I welcomed them to Narnia!

   I credit Tetris for the speed and agility I display when loading the dishwasher

   I lost my phone for an hour. The day I lost my 5 year-old neice at the zoo is now the second most terrifying experience of my life.

   likes saying YOU'RE WELCOME really loudly when people don't thank you.

   always happy, and wondering how they will find pppropriate picture to use on his obituary

   If you didn't do anything wrong, then why do you look as nervous as a pedophile on parole at Chucky Cheese?!

   how does one reconcile the statements "If at first you don't succeed, try try again" and "The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over expecting different results"?

   wonders if bear cubs wrestle and bite each other to prepare for hunting and caring for themselves as adults, why do babies pull folded laundry out of a basket and lay it all over the floor? Preparing to be husbands?

   even the dark is frightened of me !

   has been thinking a lot lately. Did I say "thinking"? I meant "drinking."

   beginning to feel like every day of my life is like an open tryout for a wacky new reality television show.