Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I always wondered about that woman who had that face transplant. If you went to bed with her, would that technically count as a threesome?

   Venus Williams has brought something different to the women's game – male genitalia.

   I live in an apartment with 3 women, I call it surround sound. I keep the ugly one behind the sofa as a woofer

   Recent surveys show 3 out of 10 men have a problem with premature ejaculation. The rest just didn't really think it was a problem!

   Beepedy,beep beep....

   An email virus caused millions of dollars in damages to home computers around the world this week. Time for some pay back...lets all punch a Nerd in the face!

   I'm not a drunk. I just play one under the TV.

   If your in my circle, Congratulations your a HAPPY person.

   is wondering on which day God created Justin Bieber... couldn't he have rested on that day too?

   doing a study on paranoia by following people around town in my white Crown Vic with 4

   Some Guy told me he had 6 pack abs but there was this thing covering them kinda jelly like. I said its called Fat!

   trading in his Chevy for a Cadillac-ack-ack-ack-ack

   Men like to play pool because they want to know how it feels to hold a big stick and some big balls

   You know you have way too many Facebook friends and need to clean up your act when you search through your friends for someone named "Taffy" and it gives you choices.

   I wasn't going to let my son sign up for soccer, then I remembered something very important... "Soccer Mom's".

   Facebook is the Hotel California of the new millennium. You can log out any time you like, but you can never leave.

   You work hard. You sacrifice. You fight injustice. You think you're making a difference.. Then you find out Snooki has a book deal.

   BREAKING NEWS: Entire Kardashian Family Diagnosed With "Attention Surplus Disorder".

   I wanna be a workaholic.. but workahol tastes like sh!t

   Had a great massage the other day, but I think I confused my masseuse by asking her for an "ambiguous, european-cinema-style ending."