Funny Status Messages

   I once dated a woman who punched me in the face ever time she'd climax. I freaked when I discovered she was faking them.

   I'd like to send a sympathetic Christmastime shout out to young kids these days who see a really cool toy on TV, but will never get it because their parents must be 18 or old6er to call.

   Believing Ru$$ian disinformation over US intelligence makes you a commie lover and your grandfathers must be turning in their graves with shame.

   The problem with quotes by famous people you see on Facebook is you never know if they're authentic or not. Albert Einstein,

   Ran into a guy who used to bully me back in elementary school who even after all these years still took my lunch money. But on a high point, even without asking he gave me extra ketchup at McDonald's.

   I see they brought back Lincoln Logs. I remember those."Let's see, what should I make? I know, a cabin!"

   There are millions of children starving in Africa. IHOP has a sign that says "kids eat free". So build an IHOP in Africa. Problem solved.

   I don't like making plans for the day, because then the word "premeditated" gets thrown around in the courtroom.

   Cashier: do you want cash back? Me: I mean who wouldn't. There's ring of fire, I walk the line. Let's not forget his christmas album

   I wasn't allowed to watch "A Charlie Brown Christmas" as a kid because of my Peanut allergy.

   I deduct 5% gratuity for every extra spoon my Cheesecake Factory server puts on my plate, "In case I feel like sharing."

   If Die Hard isn’t a Christmas movie why do I spend the holidays hiding in the vents of my workplace?

   If anybody knows any lonely old people preparing to eat Christmas dinner alone? Please let me know as I need to borrow some chairs!

   To people who have Christmas lights flashing blue in their yard........ can you remove them? Every time I pass, I think it's the cops and I have to remove my foot from the accelerator, slam on my brakes, put my seat belt on, throw my phone on the floor, h

   Can you put tequila in a humidifier? Just asking for a friend.

   it just me, or does Jerry Nadler look like he should be baking cookies in a tree.

   What jugglers do best 1. Juggle 2. Make people who can’t juggle feel bad for not being able to juggle

   Saying “have a nice day” to someone sounds friendly, but saying “enjoy your next 24 hours” sounds threatening.

   So, Biden was a Senator for 100 years and VP for 8 years and all of a sudden, he has a bunch of great ideas on how to improve the US??

   Me: Ooh, I love those pretty Christmas lights hanging over the street. Cop: Those are traffic lights, what's exactly in the thermos ma'am?