Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I guess the truth really does hurt. Maybe not as much as jumping on a bicycle when the seat's missing, but it hurts.

   I don't know what it is about Snookies face but it makes me wanna take a dump

   wonders if someone driving a VW bug knows they are causing fistfights wherever they go.

   Man you cant be old and have that blue 200 flush cleaner. I have blue ballz now cause they sag so low

   Whenever I receive an email from "MAILER-DAEMON" I feel like I should have my inbox blessed by a priest.

   I can't explain why but whenever I see a blind person, I instinctively refuse to say or do anything to alert them that I'm there. Instead, I stealthily scoot to the side as they pass me. It's what a ninja must feel like all the time.

   I just watched a show about a person who was addicted to pizza. I believe the technical name for this condition is "normal."

   Okay, can someone please invent the opposite of a microwave. I need my beer cold, now. And no, the freezer is not fast enough.

   When I have visitors in town, my tour guide instincts kick in and I show them as much as I can. “That's the grocery store I go to.” “I work out there.” “I've made out with a girl on that bench.” “I've peed behind that dumpster." I hope

   Whenever I get one of those muffled, through-the-purse, four-minute-long voicemail messages where the person thought they hung up but really didn't, I always listen to the entire thing. People do some funny sh*t when they think no one is listening.

   You post constant status updates about what TV show you're watching and what you're eating for dinner. You're not allowed to whine when people get excited for football once a week.

   The only reason I ever check my voicemail is to clear the notification.

   I just saw a car that had The Club locked onto the steering wheel, a car phone, a beaded seat cushion, and a fuzzy steering wheel cover. The only logical explanation for this is that this car is a time machine.

   A girl wearing a pink jersey is not a fan of football. She's just trying to bang someone who is.

   Now that I've grown, I've realized that all the "cool" parents were actually just bad parents.

   I feel like I'm beeing internet stalked

   have you noticed that all ugly people say, beauty is within and all rich people say, money don't buy you happiness ;)

   My decision to not hold the door for the person walking at a questionable distance behind me is usually met with immediate guilt as I bolt through the door and sprint ahead to widen the gap and justify my move.

   You know you're watching too much TV when you start recognizing commercial actors from other commercials.

   id rather check my facebook than face my checkbook!!!