Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Opened a Christmas card today and rice fell out....Must have been fro Uncle Ben.

   Dear Mark Zuckerberg, All I want for Christmas this year is fonts.

   Santa: I can't wait for the cookies I'm gonna get in Colorado.

   Cinnamon is just sawdust with good PR.

   My wife's fish net stockings are so tight that my legs look like wafer cookies when I take them off.

   You know you are getting old when you throw out your back but you don't know how it happened.

   Christmas is really kind of weird. “Let’s all sit around a dead tree in the living room and eat candy out of our socks”

   If you ever wake up naked on your neighbour's lawn, just pretend you're a werewolf.

   I heard a couple arguing in mcdonalds and the guy stood up and said “i’m mcdone with you” and walked out

   I met a girl named Felicia tonight. Couldn't wait to tell her bye.

   Untangling Christmas lights is the closest my wife and I have ever gotten to S&M.

   Yoga class instructor: Welcome. Uhh why are you carrying a lightsaber? Me: Misread the brochure I have.

   I'm "When I get a haircut I think she cuts more hair off my ears and eyebrows than my head" years old.

   WD-40 is an essential oil.

   Interviewer: We noticed a gap in your employment. Me: Yes, that’s why I’m here. I need a job. Interviewer: I’m sorry. Please come back when you already have a job.

   I don’t understand wishing dead celebrities happy birthday. Shoutout to Mary Queen of Scots, who would be 577 today.

   Cartoons were better when people got anvils dropped on them and accidentally smoked dynamite like cigars.

   Yep. Yep. Yep. Yeppity. Yep. Yeppers. Yep. We’ll see. I don’t know. But, for sure! Maybe. - me receiving an invitation of any kind

   Co-worker: some food is way high in vitamins, k? Me: that's bananas.

   I’m starting a merciful puzzle company that keeps the edge pieces separate from the middle pieces because it’s 2019 and we shouldn’t have to work so hard to be bored.