Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   It's been so long since I made love, I can't even remember who gets tied up.

   How can someone go out to buy groceries and end up in a pub?

   Have you ever felt completely calm cool and collected? Yeah, me neither.

   Feels like tap dancing on someone's face with golf shoes on..

   In new tape, Bin Laden 'furious' that Brian Wilson has scarier beard.....

   Vegan hipsters wear ironic milk mustaches.

   "Paranormal Activity 2" - terrifying tale of suburban home that unexpectedly gets possessed by Bank of America.

   The Clitaurus is the most mysterious Jurassic-era creature to most male archaeologists.

   Today is National Oatmeal Day, or as Charlie Sheen calls it, National Cocaine and Strippers Day.

   Wow was that Griswold family driving down the wrong lane into oncoming traffic driving the Wagon Queen Family Truckster on 95 yesterday

   The only time of the year where it's ok to take candy from a stranger or a baby

   ‎*SINGLE* is NOT a status. It's a word that best describes a person who is strong enough to live & enjoy life without depending on others.

   will just have to find another McDonalds to frequent...... I am sooooo tired of management throwing me out of the ball pit..........

   Greatest txt msg of the day: Wow, I felt guilty this morning when I woke up after the dream I had about you!

   Put this as your status if you know someone/are related to someone who suffers from "Put This Iin Your Status Syndrome" or PTIYSS. PTIYSS is a real disorder similar to Farmville that aggrivates the $H!T out of other people and should be taken seriously. T

   Step one: admitting you have a problem. Um.....I have a problem... DON't wanna get out of bed.

   New plan for the weekend: free Charlie Sheen and party with him.

   Does the State Hospital have weekend package deals? cause I need a vacation!

   Your Halloween costume came to my house by mistake today, sorry I opened it. It was a rooster mask and a bag of lollipops. Going as a c**ksucker again I see!

   Beauty is why God invented eyeballs.., and your booty is why God invented my balls...