Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Officer, why did you stop me for speeding? You see all those ahead of me? Clearly their the one's who are the speeders.

   "Has Anybody realized just how dirty Nutri Grain's Slogan(You Only Get Out What You Put In) is?

   Tenative Thanksgiving Menu: A little bit of small pox as an appetizer, some Mass Genocide as the main course, and finish it off with some forced relocation for dessert.

   Dear makers of poppies, as much as I respect the poppy and what it is a symbol of, I would have thought that you would have been able to make a more secure fastening device by now. And perhaps one that doesn't stab the wearer several times a day. I'm just

   if they are going to start putting graphic pictures on packs of cigarettes, then they should put deadly dui pics on liquor bottles

   Fruit snacks should just be sold in buckets, to hell with these little packets.

   At the grocery store tonight, I looked down into our basket and realized we live with old people. :(

   Never mind being "Popular" in High School.... Now there's Facebook...

   Dear Tom Cruise: Life is what you make of it. Not what you make believe of it

   thinking the worst time to have a heart attack is during a game of charades

   thinks the incest rate across America must drop so much on nights like these ... You know, when they're all watching the Country Music Awards instead!

   HEY EVERYBODY ON FACEBOOK!! MAY I HAVE YOUR ATTENTION!!....i'm so humble..ok..that is all...

   Zombie hunting, It't not just a sport, its survival!

   Opted for SWAT team costume for Halloween. Cheap and easy. It occurred to me, however, that I've got a toy weapon. Would that be Toy Weapons And Tactics? I don't think it would be copacetic to place the acronym on the shirt.

   know why McDonald's restaurants always smell so bad? 'cause the people that eat there poop there.

   i just found out that turning off all the lights in my house and pretending I'm blind does nothing for my boredom,so then I tried playing pictionary with my dog and cat but they're so STUPID!!

   So....she said I was as smooth as Ken. That's a good thing, right?!?

   Ah, yes, divorce ... from the Latin word meaning to rip out a man's genitals through his wallet.

   wondering when Hallmark will make a greeting card for the Single men for there Holiday you Know PALM SUNDAY !!

   Alright, who left the bag of idiots open..