Funny Status Messages

   The closest thing to failure is hope

   Sex is a sensation that starts with a temptation where a boy puts his location in a girls destination, to increase the population for the next generation. Does everyone get my explanation or do you all need a demonstration?

   Heaven is where the police are British, the chefs are Italian, the mechanics are German, the Lovers are french and it is all organized by the Swiss. Hell is where the police are German, the chefs are British, the mechanics are French, the lovers are Swiss

   Men are like a deck of cards. You need a heart to love them, a diamond to marry them, a club to bash his head in with... and a spade to bury him with.

   Smart Man + Smart Woman = Romance . Smart Man + Dumb Woman = Affair . Dumb Man + Smart Woman = Marriage . Dumb Man + Dumb Woman = Pregnancy

   a computer allows you to make more mistakes faster than any invention in human history... with the possible exception of handguns and tequila

   The man in front of me is buying a pregnancy test. I bet this is the one time in his life, he wishes she sent him for tampons

   There was a piece of chocolate cake in the fridge and a note, "Don't eat me." Now there's an empty plate and a note, Don't tell me what to do.

   likes to sit in the pharmacy on my phone talking about how I have a contagious rash on 90% of my body and the Dr. can't find a medicine that works!

   If cigarettes are required to have graphic warning labels, beer manufacturers should have to warn drinkers of possible sex with ugly people...

   I always know the right thing to say immediately AFTER the right time to say it has passed!

   If there's even a scrap of paper in a shopping cart, I pass on it. I came here for grocery, not scabies.

   Based on the seemingly random things my autocorrect suggests I sometimes wonder if it is trying to communicate with me.

   I grew up with six sisters. That's how I learned to dance - waiting for the bathroom.

   Holy Cow! Michael Vick just scored again!

   I live every day of my life as if it's my last. Basically I just leap in slow motion away from things which aren't exploding... Repeatedly.

   ‎"Kate Middleton will be the first commoner to marry an heir to the throne in 350 years"........ So now we all know how often royalty can go without adding any beauty genes into their pool!

   I don't care what the law say, if you poke me and you're not my friend, it's rape.

   a lady insisted to sit near the window on the train to take a nap. She said she needed her beauty sleep. I told her sorry but the train isn't going that far

   I was at Mcdonalds today when a rather large woman served me , when she finally gave me my order she said "sorry about the wait" and I said "Don't worry sweetheart , you'll lose it eventually"