Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   can't be bothered going to his Apathy Support Group today...

   fc%ed up like a screen door on a submarine..

   Bored? Update your Facebook to "in a relationship" with someone you've never met just to see if they'll confirm.

   can't remember the last time I LOL'ed let alone ROTF.

   Sex is like the Star Wars trilogy... there's an invasion, penetration, an explosion and in the end everyone's happy.

   just watched 'The Wall' DVD while listening to a Pink Floyd album. If they are started in just the right sequence, the album synchronizes exactly with the movie. The words of the songs almost seem to be coming from the mouths of the actors. Really freaky!

   Elvis has left the building.

   I would like everyone to know I am almost completely rehabilitated from picking my nose while driving. :)

   The Frog... "Time's fun when you're having flies."

   The opinions expressed here are not those of my employer, my wife, my church, or myself... But they are the opinions of Elvis as revealed to me through the medium of my pet hamster, Lee Harvey Oswald...

   Warning: Spelling errors in this message are the product of a poor school system. Pay teachures more than athletes.

   There's nary an animal alive that can outrun a greased Scotsman. - Groundskeeper Willie

   He's dead... But look! Hundreds of bright copper kettles, warm woolen mittens, brown paper packages tied up in string! Someone was after a few of this guy's favorite things.

   Likes to dress like a gangster, drop my pants low, throw the ray bans on, have my face screw, and sing the hyms of the church while walking past ppl in grocery stores jut to freak ppl out kml

   kinda paranoid knowing that "therapist" looks exactly like "the rapist"

   Does anyone have a good marinade recipe for dolphin?

   A parent's only as good as their dumbest kid. If one wins a Nobel Prize but the other gets robbed by a hooker, you failed....

   ..... cute, funny, and irresistable... enough about me,tell me about you?

   Being a politician is a lot like being a hooker. You can't be one unless you can pretend to like people while you're screwing them....

   San Francisco bans toys in Happy Meals.... Mayor McCheese vows to "Take it to the Supreme Court, if necessary"