Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I always bring my phone with me into the grocery store because I'm expecting a very important fake call if I see someone who knows me.

   If you think it's necessary to judge me by my past, don't get mad when I put you there.

   If you didn't talk to me in High School then don't request to be my friend on Facebook.

   can't wait for Thanksgiving!! No, not because of the meal and football games. Just found out I don't have to sit at "The Kids Table" again this year!!!!

   In reality I'm at work. In my mind I'm in a hammock with Mary Ann and Ginger.

   STARVING!!!! I'm so damn hungry that the Food Channel would look like Porn!!!!

   elegantly wasted.

   no idea what I am doing...................................but when I do it I drink Dos Equis!

   doesn't feel sorry for those that aren't empathic.

   life is better when you decide you dont care

   I got chased by someone jogging this morning, all because I yelled “Run Forrest Run!”

   There are three major types of colour blindness. They are red-green, blue-yellow and tan-orange. Unfortunately, tan-orange is the most common.

   bored with Sunday. You should go away and ask your friend Saturday to come back.

   Sometimes I think that if there were a third sex, men wouldn't get so much as a glance from me.

   APATHY ERROR: Don't bother striking any key.

   Coarse and violent nudity. Occasional language.

   (630): The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....

   "Deck the halls with Happy Birthday Faa La La La'up on the roof top is Peter Cotton tail in a one horse open sleigh"..........man, that's a good margarita.....

   I'm one of those people that tried this at home.

   doesn't always drink beer, but when he does, he has the Dos Equis Guy serve it to him in a dress