Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Someday I want to be rich. Some people get so rich they lose all respect for humanity. That's how rich I want to be.

   instead of complaining about the crappy posts here, lets see if you can do any better!!!

   I love being married. It's so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.

   I didn't practice abstinence, I perfected it.

   After ten years in therapy, my psychologist told me something very touching, he said, “no hablo ingles.

   Ever look at your friend's photos and think, "If you only knew what I did with her before she started seeing you."

   ladies, what's with the puckered lips in your pics?? it doens't make you look any hotter..

   That McRib is McNasty

   Kate Gosselin had a garage sale , she did good.... she has 3 kids left.

   My mother-in-law came to visit, I asked, "How long are you going to stay?" She said, "As long as you want me to." I said, "You're not even going to stay for coffee?"

   Would you rather win a hundred billion dollars today and get paralyzed tomorrow or just get life in jail with a man rapist? Up for the money.... Down for jail....

   Opportunity may knock once, but temptation bangs on your front door forever.

   Experience is what you get when you didn't get what you wanted.

   After one of my friends changes their FB status to single, I like to upload a bunch of pictures of the happy ex couple and tag the sh!t out of them.

   I hate it when people say "listen" before telling you something.

   If you can't do the right thing, at least do the thing right.

   My brain is giving me the silent treatment.

   OMG, I"m in real trouble, if anyone asks, I was on Facebook all night, I think they finally found out what I did for that Klondike bar!!!!

   Mary Poppins did a great job getting kids to take there meds...Cause a spoon full of sugar really does help the medicine go down... Its just too bad all the kids she watched got Type 2 diabetes now...

   I don't know why some people are so irresponsible when it comes to paying bills. I mean like, I shouldn't be getting logged off the internet on my laptop just because my neighbor was late on paying his internet service... SMH..