Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   When I was a little kid I use to wait for Mrs. Butterworth to talk to me but she never did......I HATE HER

   If at 1st you don't succeed, being a magician that saws people in half might not be for you.

   There's a reason stressed is "desserts" spelled backwards!

   checking out your facebook albums hoping to see some bikini photos of your girlfriend.

   All I want for Christmas is for my wife to swallow my egg nog one time!

   WHY IS A CHRISTMAS TREE BETTER THAN A MAN ? IT STAYS UP FOR 30 DAYS & NIGHTS, HAS CUTE BALLS & LOOKS GOOD WITH THE LIGHTS ON

   Dear Mr. guy that honks his horn right when the light turns green, it's not gonna work so well when I rip it out and shove it down your throat!

   Its so cold, Starbucks was serving coffee on a stick

   SNOWBALL FIGHT !!!"o´¯`❄.¸(░) `O.¸¸.¸. o´¯`❄. ¸(░) `O. ❄。 ¨¯`*✲ ´*。. ❄¨¯`*✲。 ❄*´*。 ✲O. ¸¸. ¸. o´¯`o. ¸ (░) `O. ¸¸.✲. ¸. o´¯`¸. o´¯`❄¸ (░) `O. ¸¸. ¸.✲´¯`o. ¸ (░) `O. ¸❄。 `O. �

   thanks Obama......my advent calendar has pictures of Repo-Men, foreclosure notices and disconnect notices.

   nicotine patches are great !! stick one of each eye and you cant find your cigarettes..

   Today's secret word is Bieber. Everytime someone says it, punch them with authority.

   The X Factor is on tonight! I can't wait..... To go out to the pub

   79% of accidents happen in the home. Finally, good news for the homeless.

   as confused as Ray Charles with a Where's Waldo book

   Don't add foreign words to your text messages in an attempt to sound intelligent. It will backfire and make you look like a pillock. Comprende?

   hates it when the girlfriend asks him to hold her handbag and it doesn't match what I'm wearing.

   Just had a train run over his feet, probably his own fault for wearing platforms.

   going to order a load of bubble wrap just to see what it's delivered in.

   my driving instructor told me, NEVER brake if there's an animal in the road....You should have seen the look on the copper's face as I knocked him off his horse.