Funny Status Messages and Tweets
Funny Status Messages for Facebook, Discord, and Whatsapp and funny tweets for Twitter.
Page: 540 of 6383
I just gave my secretary a baby shower. Well, a potential baby shower. If you know what I mean.
←Rate |
09-23-2019 05:58
Comments (0)
If you need me I'll always be stuck behind the person who doesn't know how to use the CVS self-checkout aisle.
←Rate |
09-23-2019 05:54
Comments (0)
I just won $50 on a scratch off! Guess y'all know who's splurging on the whole cashews next grocery trip.
←Rate |
09-23-2019 05:53
Comments (0)
I named my hard drive That Thang, so once a month my computer asks me if I want to Back That Thang Up.
←Rate |
09-23-2019 05:52
Comments (0)
Diarrhea is just confirming the fact that you make poor life decisions.
←Rate |
09-23-2019 05:52
Comments (0)
Ugh, I hate social media. (please validate this opinion via social media)
←Rate |
09-23-2019 05:51
Comments (0)
tinder but it’s cats. everyone makes their cat a profile. the swiping doesn’t matter. you just. Look at cats and their interests and then look at MORE CATS
←Rate |
09-23-2019 05:51
Comments (0)
Mind blowing literary fact: all nonfiction books take place in the same shared universe.
←Rate |
09-23-2019 05:50
Comments (0)
My 8 year old daughter hasn't stopped talking in 32 years
←Rate |
09-23-2019 05:50
Comments (0)
In your face! They are now known as The Exonerated Five now. No matter what your God says, that will never change.
←Rate |
09-22-2019 23:52
Comments (0)
All I'm saying is if the toilet still flushes when the power and gas goes out, why don't we run more things on toilet power?
←Rate |
09-22-2019 07:24
Comments (0)
I bet other insects hate it when they ask a caterpillar how she became a butterfly, and she's all, "Just diet and exercise, guys!"
←Rate |
09-22-2019 07:23
Comments (0)
I get home and change from casual Friday duds into even more comfortable clothes. Now I just look like melted cheese.
←Rate |
09-22-2019 07:21
Comments (0)
Me: Is that a Yeti cooler? Yeti: *flicks cigarette* Cooler than what?
←Rate |
09-22-2019 07:21
Comments (0)
You know you're drunk when you sit down on the toilet & try to put your seatbelt on
←Rate |
09-21-2019 08:19
Comments (0)
Remember when you were a kid and the TV set in your basement weighed 8,000 pounds?
←Rate |
09-21-2019 08:17
Comments (0)
I got kicked out of the procrastinators club when I showed up for our first meeting..
←Rate |
09-21-2019 08:16
Comments (0)
Facebook birthday reminders are great as they help me realize I have absolutely no idea who this person is to unfriend.
←Rate |
09-21-2019 01:01
Comments (0)
I'm surprised people still ask me if I want to hold their baby given the number of times I've dropped and shattered my phone.
←Rate |
09-20-2019 15:42
Comments (0)
A taser but for people who say "it is what it is".
←Rate |
09-20-2019 15:32
Comments (0)