Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Im tired.Ive just finished painting all the rocks in my garden white...Just in case my neighbour wants a snow ball fight later this week.

   WARNING if you get a message from me with a link asking you to look at my tinned meat DON'T OPEN IT.. its SPAM

   My life has a superb cast... I just can't figure out the plot.

   I think I'm getting the hang of these Facebook games. My mafia farm is doing quite nice.

   America should ban Thanksgiving until your National Gross Weight goes down

   Good news: I can breathe out of one nostril a little! Bad news: I sound like a tea kettle.

   My neighbor put up his Christmas lights today. I bet he's pissed that I beat him to it. I put mine up three years ago.

   I'm not mooning you. I'm turning the other cheek.

   Just drove past a hitchhiker I wish he had a better sign....

   Does TSA make housecalls?...or did I just get scammed?!

   Distance never separates two hearts that really care

   How'd I sleep? Like a baby. Woke up every two hours and cried.

   Conserve energy, How would you feel if someone turned YOU on and then left?

   WARNING!PLEASE READ!!! If someone comes to your door and ask you to take off your clothes and dance around with your hands in the air....DO NOT DO THIS! This is a scam.....they just want to see you naked! Please copy and paste this as your status! I wish

   I woke up this morning to see a white powdery residue all over the ground outside. I'd better stay inside. That stuff could be Anthrax...

   going to quit drinking , when I woke up this morning my liver was sitting on the night stand smoking a cigarette and creaming at me "You B*stard

   I befriended Tom from Myspace on Facebook lol

   Actually found a way to enjoy Black Friday...baked beans with onions.

   Curiosity killed the heroine Cat

   It should no longer be cranberry sauce, it is cranberry jell-o... Sauce does not retain the shape of the can