Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Dear Kardashians, your 15 minutes was up a few months ago...

   My friends cars gas tank is on E. And we're still driving. Call me crazy.......but I think we just beat the system!

   thinks Bill Gates and Steve Jobs should be Santa Claus and forced to give us all presents

   broke as a mofo..why can't Santa Claus be real????

   I think it would really be nice if we all went over to MySpace to wish Tom a merry Christmas... poor guy... :-(

   some weird fat man with a white beard wearing red clothes just shoved me into a big red sock... OK people, which one of you asked to get me for Christmas??

   The healthiest part of a donut is the hole. Unfortunately you have to eat through the rest of the donut to get there ..

   When I was a child, I always used to search my parent's drawers and cupboards in the run up to Christmas so I'd know exactly what to expect. Although I never did receive that Vibratron Pleasuremax 3000.

   Please don't get your last minute presents from a gas station. If you do remember Grandma gets the candy or the beef jerky not the condoms. Don't ask me how I know this.

   Before I was married I had three theories about raising children...now I have 3 children and absolutely no theories!!

   please don't get your last minute presents from a gas station. If you do rembe Grandma gets the candy or the beef jerky not the condoms. Don't ask me how I know this.

   Has finally found my Christmas spirit. Now if I could just remember where I put those candy cane shot glasses, I could start drinking it...

   I'm dreaming of a white Christmas. But, if the white runs out, I'll drink the red

   Twas the night before Christmas, and I have not a joke, just a bunch of these presents and now I am broke. I shall awake in the mornin and hear all the chatter, watch my children open gifts realizing the clothes dont matter. To all of you out there I wish

   What do you call a black man flying a plane? A pilot you racist.

   The christmas nativity play was cancelled. Not due to religious reasons, but because they couldn't find 3 wise men and a virgin

   I'm going to a posh do tonight. The invitation says, 'Black Tie Only'. Christ, I'm going to be f-kin freezing!

   My girlfriend complains that I don't tell her how much I love her. I don't want to upset her.

   Hey Everyone just wanted to wish everyone a Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year.. If you can't be good....... be carefull.. Have a safe and fun holiday...

   Anyone else put snowballs in the freezer in anticipation of a snowball fight you don't plan on losing?