Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   saw a rather unattractive pregnant woman and thought, "Neat...Good for you."

   Apparently, "You're a douchebag!" isn't what my boss had in mind when he asked, "So, what do you think?"...I guess honesty isn't always the best policy...

   Why does it seem like I need a machete, a jack hammer, and Jaws of life nearby everytime I need to remove a childs toy from it's packaging

   Dear Santa...Thank You for the response, but telling me to review my web browser history, wasn't what I meant! But, well played Santa...Well played...

   congratulates Chris CMac on discovering his stream of consciousness - lame Chris but at least you're thinking

   When people hate on you, laugh at them, and then start making their voodoo dolls.!

   I never get mad enough to punch a hole in the wall, but my pillow, different story.

   Local girl Joanna Mow leaps to her death on her birthday... Your middle name wouldn't be Ronny would it ,Jo?

   Am I the only one who wants to have a heart attack when they hear people making that irritating throat scratch sound in their throats.?

   Time to "man up" and do my husbandly duty. Eating all of the left-overs out of the fridge. This stomach isn't going to grow itself!

   Why do restaurants even offer Large drinks when your dining in..? Of course i'm not gonna pay an extra 90 cents for a large drink when I can just get refills on the smallest cup you guys have. Work on that.

   An office Christmas party is not a good time to ask the boss for a raise. Wait until the next day when you have pictures.

   I never like to judge a book by it's cover, but I think those black guys with masks across the street holding guns and knives aren't out looking for their dogs!

   Trying to be original sucks..! You just kinda sit there & look around thinking and pondering about what would be good..I say forget being original..Just be Yourself..!

   "My teacher says I wouldn't have so many nose bleeds if I just kept my finger out of there."- Ralph Wiggum

   My cousin told me he was gay today. What an idiot, coming out in weather like this.

   now knows what Johnny Cash was singing about in "Ring of Fire." He ate at Taco Bell last night.

   Last minute Christmas gift suggestions: To your enemy, forgiveness. To an opponent, tolerance. To a friend, your heart. To a customer, service. To all, charity. To every child, a good example. To yourself, respect.

   i wish rihanna's nana would tell her what her name is!

   A dumb girl goes into pc world and asks for curtains the sales man says " you dont need curtains for a computer" she replys "but mine has windowss"..?