Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Home is where you can say anything you like 'cause nobody listens to you anyway.

   The universe is 14 billion years old. It seems silly to celebrate one year... Be like having a parade every time I take a piss.

   Being a politican is like being a hooker. You can't be one unless you can pretend to like people while you're f-cking them.

   Everyone thinks their opinion matters. Don't argue with a nobody. A farmer doesn't bother telling a pig his breath smells like sh!t.

   I have a sweet parking spot at the mall. I'm going to sit here for the next 10 minutes in reverse just to mess with people.

   I wonder if Santa's "list" goes from 12/25-12/25, or does the new list start on January 1st? I think we have a few days to be bad that aren't on record...

   They say that 15% of all Facebook Status updates are written on the toilet, but I think that's a bunch of crap.

   I have deja moo... the feeling I have heard this bull before.

   I want my tombstone to read: Keep In Touch.

   Sex is the best activity in the world...whoever disagrees needs to get some.

   Anyone who thinks unemployment benefits keep people from looking for work isn't living on unemployment benefits.

   Crying doesn't indicate that you're weak. Since birth, it has been a sign that you're alive.

   just doesn't give a sh!t today, but just in case I start to, I'm starting a list...Your goal-->Stay off the list!

   getting ready to steal wireless from the neighbor...and boy I sure hope the signal is strong.

   i gotta stop playing call of duty black ops, I swear today at work I thought I could upgrade my staple gun..

   Elton John adopting a newborn at 68??? Really? I mean, shouldn't he be picking out coffins instead of cradles?

   Just when you got used to writting 2010....BAM!!! 2011 shows up!

   Hey John its your grandmother. Could you tell me how to work this cell phone you got me for Christmas? ~ Sent via payphone.

   Say alpha...Kenny...body... now say it all together and fast!! OMG! Ur disgusting!

   I have a lot of people in my phone with the last name "FromTheBar".