Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Dear Santa, Last year I asked for and received your list of naughty girls, It was fun but I think I am past that point in my life. This year I would like to receive your list of good girls with naughty tendencies!

   The hot nurse wants to take a blood sample. If I can get some back into my veins, I'll oblige her.

   Seriously, I put seriously at the beginning of the sentence to make me sound more serious even when I'm not.

   To all females that got a message from me that said "Hell yes....When & where?" I'm sorry,that was before I knew about this numbers game.In my defense,what was I supposed 2 think when you sent me a message that just said "69"? I thought you were asking me

   Send me your credit card # and brand to my inbox and I'll post what I bought myself with your money.

   ....Wants to share his yuletide log with his "special" friends.....

   Tell a man there are 300 billion stars in the sky and he will believe you, tell him this bench is wet and he will have to touch it to make sure...

   One of the hardest choices I have had to make in my adult life, give my change to the bell ringer outside of Wal-Mart or spend it in the toy vending machine in hopes that I get the cool watch I was wanting.

   - in memory of Joh Lennon who died 30 years ago today. Did you know the only vegetable he ate was brocolli? I'm happy he finally decided to give peas a chance...

   wants to point out that real men don't sparkle unless he just got back from the titty bar.

   There's no room for demons when your self possessed.

   awkward moment: browsing Facebook friend suggestions and seeing people you used to be friends with who have unfriended you... Hey, you asked me!!!

   Penny for your thoughts... a dollar if you flash me.

   At my house, it is customary for you to go back to yours as soon as possible.

   'Im not questioning your observation skills but am merely remarking on the paradox of asking a masked man who he is...'

   I know you people can't think everyone that messages you is a bouquet of roses. C'mon...tell people what you REALLY think of them. THAT would be more interesting to read!

   I'm not a doctor, I just play one on the internet

   snooze button, becuase all I need after 8 hours of sleep, is a nap

   ‎7-11 is developing a new wine.. It's said to pair well with poor life choices and sadness

   I propose we add a new day to the week and call it "Someday," just think of all the awesome stuff that would happen on it.