Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   You'd think a $30,000 car would have a decent cup holder.

   "Eh....I'll wait for the next one." - Procrastinating Lifeguard

   How's your day going? Here's a good way to tell: Is it "already" 2:00pm or "only" 2:00pm?

   Anything required of me today besides laying here in bed will just have to wait till tomorrow.

   Officer I know I ran that red light but it's okay, I'll just stop twice at the next one. Are we cool?

   If you give up smoking, drinking, and sex, you don't live longer, just seems longer.

   Download this software? Do you Agree? Are you sure? Well, the more times you ask me if I'm sure the less sure I am.

   It's funny how the change jar slowly becomes all pennies.

   I learn from the mistakes of others who have taken my advice.

   Sometimes I wish there was a zombie apocalypse just so I can hit a certain few people in the face with a shovel.

   The thing about social media is that you can pretend you've gone to bed by not replying but really you're just sitting there the whole time.

   If I haven't done something you asked me to do and I say it's because life has "been crazy", it really means I've just been lazy.

   Dear Santa, please bring me a new butt, mine has a crack in it!

   I was born cool, but the global warming made me hot

   got food poisoning yesterday. Just not sure who to use it on yet.

   the doctor said pops has sugar in his urine now we cant stop him from peeing on his cornflakes.

   3.14159 I love you when you're covered in ice cream.

   If a really fat man grabs you and throws you in a bag don't panic its just santa collecting his ho's.I'm txtn you fm the bag.Bring alcohol! Thanks

   If I died wouldnt it be weird if you still got random status updates from me?? "I can see the light"...."This line to see Jesus is long"...."I wonder if someone will let me front skip them"...."Oh snap heaven is doin pat-downs"

   Too bad people can't smell their own breath, this guy came to solicit at my front door this morning and his breath was scalding. He needed a Listerine popsicle!